6.18/2012

Recently I’ve been thinking about relationships and moving on. Although I have felt nothing for Tramaine for a while now, i feel as though there were certain things that I held on to. One example of this is her Xbox Live Gamertag. Her gamertag had been in my friends list up until two days ago. My sister asked me why she was still there. I gave her an answer that I wanted to be a constant reminder for her, that even though we didn’t talk any more… that I would be that constant reminder of how she screwed up and what she lost. However, I realized through saying this that I was still holding onto something. This entire time, I couldn’t get myself to delete it. I couldn’t remove the last digital remnant of her. I have deleted her from Find My Friends, I have deleted her photos from my computer, and I have removed her name from my contacts list in my phone. All of these steps were naturally taken without too much thought.

It’s not that Tramaine holds control over me. She couldn’t come back if she wanted to. The hate and the salt would prevent any of that from happening. Perhaps it is just that I remember some of the good times? Perhaps its that I simply just like to keep tabs on people I’ve dated? The answer for this question goes back to the original idea of holding on: Why do I want to, or need to, keep tabs on her? Why should I care?

…

About the hate, the salt, and all of the other negative emotions. I feel as though these emotions will remain because of the history involved. I compare it to eating a particular dish at a restaurant. If you got sick from that particular dish, it might make you wary of the same dish at another restaurant. Similarly, my bad experiences with Averya and Tramaine have been carried with me, first and foremost so that I may learn certain lessons. Secondly, so that I can be more discriminant in choosing the next person I choose to date.

Disgust also is an emotion that I face. I am easily disgusted by people who share in the same behaviors as the people I’ve dated (because of the largely negative experiences that came from both). So, if I see anyone who has a similar behavior (excessive privacy, not understanding their own emotions, not being able to effectively communicate their emotions/feelings/etc., being excessively emotional, etc.) I am quickly turned off and usually tune out. I remember feeling this way about certain people I met at MSM, and even people I’ve met more recently at the medical school and this conference I’m at.

There’s also self-loathing. I feel this in reference to the idea that I actually may have caused this by being less-masculine (in reference to other guys, especially the bad ones), nerdy, too nice/weak, or some other inadequacy. I sometimes feel that if I were different that things may have worked out. This emotion makes me constantly strive to become better than I was, to be in a state of flux, and to accept the changes towards what I feel would limit my weaknesses.

…

I think that I underestimated some of the residual issues that come with dating someone for nearly three years. I was able to get rid of certain things, but others persisted. I think I should have done things more systemically, more meticulously (like the first time), so that I could have avoided the lingering issues.

Moving on.

6.2/2012

So tired recently.

Sigh.

Had a dream today. I’m pretty sure I know what it means, but I’m not one-hundred percent certain.

Slightly vague.

I feel like there are many themes that I’ve found throughout my life. One of which I will speak about today. The theme I’ve noticed is that many people I’ve met do not know to develop friends. Many people I’ve seen have issues with friendship. It’s not that they don’t have friends. They do. The real issue is that they don’t have friends that satisfy them on the kind of deep levels that they desire. The problem is that they don’t know how to dig deeper, or don’t feel comfortable going deeper.

To me, the answer appears simple: Investigate. Ask questions, seek answers. Every time I meet someone new who I think would be an interesting person, I ask them questions. I find out what they’re like, what they like, and why they like it. Then, I begin to investigate their beliefs and, depending on the belief, why they believe whatever it may be. I feel that, to have a deeper relationship, you must investigate a deeper meaning within the relationship you have. (If the person happens to be someone who doesn’t enjoy conversation, or just doesn’t think about things on a deeper level, then move on. Trying to convince someone otherwise is futile.) In order to do this, you must invest time in actually getting to know someone.

Some people I know don’t feel comfortable with asking questions. Perhaps they think that they’re not close enough to the person to ask a question. Sometimes I think this is a very legitimate reason, however, in some cases it is really an issue of judgment. Some people cannot accurately judge how close to a person they are. Some people perceive themselves to be farther than they actually are. Other, conversely, perceive themselves to be closer than they actually are… which then can lead to offensively invasive actions.

One such example of issue of perceived closeness is someone I know at the medical school. This girl thought that she was much closer to me than she was. She saw me at the mall with someone else I know, and asked if the girl I was with was my girlfriend. Naturally, if it were up to me, I would have avoided answering the question. I don’t know her, nor does she know me. It doesn’t make sense why she should expect me to answer a question like that, given the level of invasiveness.

Most of the examples are like this however: People feel further than they are. They might be close enough to ask, but they fear the offensive nature of their invasive question. Even some people who consider themselves “best friends” with another person have held this same belief and have been affected by this same fear. However, if they were truly “best friends,” the person would understand that their questioning was not meant to intrude or undermine, but simply to understand.

What I try to do is preface the question with the notion that the person always has a choice. They can choose to answer the question, or, if it is too invasive, they can bow out of an answer. Bowing out is not a bad thing. Maybe the person is not prepared to talk about the issue at hand. Maybe I’m the issue. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with me to a point where they feel like sharing it. Either way, this helps me both understand the person and judge just how close I might be.

In the end, I feel as though most people like when people show interest in them. I think most people wouldn’t mind talking about themselves and made to feel important. As long as you ask people questions in a respectful and non-judgmental way, most people will respond positively.

Investing is key.

6.1/2012

There’s a current trend in gaming that pisses me off: the idea of “online passes.” I understand that game companies want to make money off of new-game sales, and that some people are so eager to play online that they’ll actually pay for it, given they already bought the game, but this is horribly wrong. It shouldn’t matter whether I buy a game brand spanking new or used. Given I’m not playing a MMORPG, the online part of the game is part of its content. It’s like buying a DVD used and having to pay extra for the deleted scenes that the primary buyer already watched.

The reason I’m so heated about this is because of recent purchases. I bought a decent amount of games recently, since I cannot play while in school, and some of the games (Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit, Madden 11, Ghost Recon: Future Soldier, etc.) actually have the online pass feature. To add insult to injury, all of the passes have been used… even those that I bought from GameFly… which doesn’t seem to make much sense, since I didn’t think that they sent people the game boxes or the online pass code when people rented their games. (I could be wrong though. I’ve never actually been a GameFly customer.

To me, it seems as if game companies are attempting to undermine the used-game sales industry, by promoting players to buy new games in order to avoid paying for an online pass. It seems strange to me that certain companies would be okay with charging money for something that has always been “free” ( given you have a xbox live subscription… or a PS3). Certain companies in the gaming industry are warring with the used-game industry, and gamers, I think, suffer the, perhaps, unintended collateral damage.

I’m looking at you, EA.