1.3.2013

One thing that I wanted to talk about today is how important it is to continue learning and making solid attempts at being better than you were. I am vastly different today than I was in high school. I’m different today than I was in college or graduate school. The changes I’ve made between graduate school and now aren’t by the leaps and bounds that one would see between high school and now, but significant changes have been made in my beliefs, my confidence, my appearance, and my understanding of the world.

I think it is important, especially in a relationship sense, to be in a dynamic state of change. I have an aunt who didn’t really change much throughout her marriage. She kept her same hairstyle (a peppered afro) for years, dressed like she was still in the 1960s, while her husband seemed to change with the times (remain more contemporary). In the end, my uncle, ended up cheating on her. I’m not trying to say that she deserved to be cheated on, that would be victim blaming. But, I do have to acknowledge that part of a relationship is keeping the person interested. You can do that in many ways: finding new things to experience as a couple, finding ways to keep the attraction alive physically (in terms of physical appearance, sex, etc.).

This year I’m going to make a larger effort to get to the gym on a more consistent basis, learn more about Jazz, continue learning how to cook new things, try to eliminate candy from my list of “addictions,” and also make studying a larger priority so that I can perform well on the first board exam. It is interesting that a few people have asked me if I’m doing some of these things in order to attract women… Heh, I do it firstly for myself. I want more for myself, I want to be better, learn more, look better, etc. It’s not that I’m unhappy with the way I am, but there’s so much out there to learn and become. For example: Going to the gym is sort of like a game. When I see results I begin imagining what it would be like if I spent more time developing my physique. I could say the same thing about cooking. It’s a trial-and-error RPG. I’ve learned how to cook a variety of things over the past year and, as a result, have been eating healthier, and spending less money on eating out, than I had been previously. The same thing could be said of nearly anything. It’s all about exploration, and putting in the time to achieve the desired change.

Long story short/Too Long Didn’t Read (tldr) Version: I just want to be better and become who I’d like to be. In order to do that, some things have to change or improve. Attracting people is collateral or accessory to that main goal. It’s something that comes with the territory, I guess.

Stronger. Faster. Better.

One game that I have been playing is Dark Souls. I’m not sure if I would call it perfect, but it is a phenomenal game, not only because of its mechanics/game design, but because of the metaphors that can made between Dark Souls and life itself. (It’s also famously difficult.)

Dark Souls is an adventure RPG where players are questing to defeat hordes of enemies to make their way to the bosses. It sounds very straightforward, but it has some tweaks to it… most notably its system of leveling up and its system of co-op and PVP/AI invasion. In the game, as you defeat enemies, you gain currency called “souls.” Souls can be used to level up your character (thus making you stronger), buy items (such as armors, weapons, accessories, consumable items, etc.). How you decide to use the souls is completely up to you. However, there is a catch… if you happen to die in the game, which will happen a lot, you will drop all of your souls where you died. On top of this, all of the enemies you killed, sans bosses, are re-spawned… meaning you will have to kill your way back to your precious souls. If you die, your souls disappear. You lose them. All of that hard work goes up in smoke.

However, you can use an item to become human and summon someone to help you get your souls back or help you reach/beat a boss. However, becoming human allows other, real players to invade your game to kill you. Yes, transforming to ask for help is a double-edged sword in Dark Souls. When you’re invaded, you need to either kill your invader, rush to the boss (potentially unprepared or being killed by NPC enemies along the way), summon a friend in desperation to help you fight off the invader, or begin to pray that your invader gives up chase and banishes himself/herself from your game. Killing the invader nets you both souls and humanity (an item that you use to become human, heal, and do a variety of other things).

One of the things that I’ve noticed are some of the parallels between the real world and Dark Souls. One thing that I’ve noticed is the tendency of players to either help or kill. Many players seem to help other people (possibly because they receive a fraction of the souls from helping, because they remember how hard it was to beat a particular boss, or possibly because they had help to beat the boss in their game). If you help another player beat a boss, you gain both the souls from killing the boss, but also gain humanity from helping people.

Souls, Come Unto Me.

12.19/2012

In the time since my last relationship ended, I’ve had some substantial time to think about things. Yes, a good deal of my experiences were negative, however, there were a few positive qualities that I gained from my relationship with Tramaine. The first quality was confidence in my appearance. Before I met Tramaine, my confidence was shaky at best. I didn’t respect myself. I didn’t think I was attractive to anyone, and I had extremely low self-confidence in that regard. This isn’t to say that I grew up without any kind of reinforcement from my parents or grandparents. They showered me with compliments. I think the main issue was that I never believed them, because I thought that their compliments were coming from a place of bias. I mean, come on, I’m their son, or their grandson, what person would tell their son or grandson that the were ugly or unattractive?

One thing that Tramaine did, and she did well, was convince me that I was attractive. She did this through verbal reinforcement and visual reinforcement. She would remind me why she found me attractive physically, and she would also give me advice on how to dress well, and what clothes complimented me well. The transformation did not happen overnight. At first, I didn’t believe her either. Perhaps, it’s because I never received those types of compliments from women. However, over time, what she was saying began to sink in. In the end, the positivity was absorbed, and I believed her.

The other quality that I gained was another type of confidence (or a type of faith). I don’t know if this confidence came as a direct result from the break-up or if the confidence was something learned through the subsequent pain. Either way, I learned how to better think about life and deal with situations as they come. Instead of assuming that everything will work out the way I want, I guess I just gained appreciation that everything is an experience. Everything will work out in the end. All of the decisions I have made, some which I initially thought were life-ending, have seemed to work out one way or another. Through these “negative” outcomes, I have learned some important lessons and gained a lot of knowledge.

This confidence, I believe, is now integral to who I am.

8.5/2012

One thing that definitely sucks after a relationship ends is some of the opportunity costs in hindsight. Here is my example. I was completely faithful to a woman that practically cheated on me. Everyone in Medprep knew that. The depressing part is that there were people that were interested in me, but knew that I had a girlfriend and respected it. Had I known what I do now, that Tramaine was a wasted investment, and that investing that time, energy, and emotions in one of these other people, perhaps things would’ve turned out for the better. However, life doesn’t work out that way.

Still, I wouldn’t take back the lessons I learned, but, I feel as though I had learned my lessons from the relationship by that point. Both the basketball situation and the Shawn/Sean situation had happened by this point, and I should have given up on her.

Sigh…Life works itself out though, right?

7.22/2012

Relationships can be quite a complexity of emotions. I remember that when Averya and I broke up I seriously regretted the decision to date her. I regretted it until I realized that I had grown positively (in addition to negatively) from the experience. Part of my desire for Averya was because I had low self-esteem. I didn’t think I was attractive, I thought I would live and die alone. Finding someone who did find me attractive helped me realize that my previous belief was not true. I gained in self-esteem and learned lessons in how to present oneself (hygiene, not slouching, etc.) and some dating do’s and don’ts.

I also learned my own limitations. I thought, erroneously, that I could tolerate anyone in dating. I was wrong. Dating isn’t about merely tolerating someone’s inadequacies, it’s about finding someone who compliments you, someone who you are compatible with. Sure, everyone has flaws, but I feel as though you try to find someone with flaws that are eclipsed by their strengths. I hope to find someone whose flaws don’t become the focus.

The emotional damage of the break-up sent me to re-define myself and find myself. I started eating healthier and going to the gym. I the end, although it didn’t work out, I did learn some crucial lessons about life and dating.

About Tramaine…I never regretted having dated her, because I learned some similar lessons that I won’t forget… for both the better and the worst. I learned further that people do find me attractive, I learned how to dress (Tramaine has a knack and a passion for fashion), and I learned that I didn’t need people to “complete me.” For better or worse, I have become more independent in my view of relationships. I understand now that I can stand on my own without someone validating me, and that I might need to look for someone of similar belief.

Again, my break-up with Tramaine also sent me on a journey to re-define myself. I went back to church, found God, learned how to cook from a friend, and began doing things for me (spending time on things I enjoy doing… I will explain this later).

Yes, there is salt in relationships. Some of the salt from Averya, and especially Tramaine, persists today. However, that saltiness provides me with tools that I can use to avoid similar situations in the future. It helps me navigate the dating field better in search for someone who is more compatible. It’s kind of like a game in a sense. The failures help you become successful later on. You learn your lesson and carry it into the future.

I do understand the idea of wanting to avoid vulnerability when thinking about dating. Being vulnerable sucks. However, my personal philosophy is that it is inevitable. Although Burnout 3’s philosophy of “risk equals reward” is a bit extreme, I believe it has some value in this conversation as a metaphor for life. In pursuit of anything, I feel like something must be risked to be successful. In competitive gaming, I feel as though we risk emotions and self-worth on wins and losses to achieve higher and higher levels of skill. In friendship, we risk personal vulnerability to gain higher and higher levels of friendship and understanding. I feel like in relationships, one must make a similar risk. You have to be vulnerable… you must lower your defenses so to speak, to allow someone to get in, and to achieve something greater.

Granted, Burnout’s idea of “risk equals reward” isn’t always true. It’s not a one-to-one direct correlation that Burnout makes it seem. Sometimes you risk and there is no reward (at least in the form that would be expected)…sometimes things just don’t pan out the way you’d like. Heck, even in Burnout sometimes you attempt to race on the opposite site of the road only to get smashed by an oncoming car and lose the race. Haha.

In life, some may want to undo these negative events, and I completely understand why they might want to do this. But, I feel as though these events are beneficial in some respect. Perhaps the event granted you wisdom. Perhaps it granted you strength. Every experience helps you get through life. Similarly, all of your experiences will help you find someone who you’re compatible with.

…

One thing I noticed about relationships thus far is that they can be stifling. I feel as though I cannot learn as much as I need to while in a relationship because there are expectations, assumptions, and fears that prevent me from learning. For example: There were a number of occasions where I could have gone to parties, get-togethers, and other cultural events (that friends [guys, girls or both] might have been hosting or going to). I didn’t go out of respect for my girlfriend’s expectations, assumptions, or fears. She might have expected me to skip and stay on the phone with her. She might have assumed that some girl (or girl-friend) might try to put a move on me… or she might have been afraid that I’d meet someone at the event and “fall in love with them.”

All of these events help shape me as a person. They help define or strengthen my beliefs. They help mold my character and my understanding of the world. I feel like I need to experience as much as I can before heading back into another relationship.

…

Okay… about my Grandmother. I think this might be a more difficult response… or more simple? I’m not really bothered by the death of my grandmother. I think there are multiple possible reasons for this:

The first reason is that I don’t think I knew my grandmother all that well. All I really remember of her is generic things (“Eat your vegetables,” “make sure to do well in school,” and I remember her asking my teachers how I was doing in classes when she came to school for Grandparents’ Day). I didn’t know her all that well, so I guess the impact was relatively blunted. Part of the reason that I don’t think I knew her well is that I think she was developing dementia around the time I might have asked questions.

The second reason that I feel as though I’m not bothered is because the death was predictable. She had progressive dementia, then she slipped and fell (physically) and was placed into a nursing home. In the nursing home she began to stop eating (which is a sign of death in the elderly from what I’ve learned in some of my classes). Relatively shortly after, she died. It sad that she died, but, at the same time, she lived a very full life. She was able to have a family, raise children, and watch her grandchildren grow in addition to enjoying her own interests in Bridge and other social activities. Perhaps if it were a random death (such as the shooting at The Dark Knight Rises showing in Colorado), I would be more distraught. But, I’ve struggled with this concept… which leads to the third possible reason.

The third reason is because I might be a cold, heartless person. However, there are arguments for and against that. The pro-cold argument lies in the fact that I can cut people off without hesitation. The counter-argument is that I was heavily emotionally distraught at my break-up with both Averya and Tramaine. It took me nearly six months to get over Averya. Strangely, it only took me a few weeks to a month to get over Tramaine. I don’t know… I seem to oscillate between these two sides all of the time.

I’ve thought about the death of my parents a few times, and I’m scared by the potential responses that run through my mind. Part of me thinks I will be utterly devastated by their deaths. Another part believes that I will be okay with their death. Sad, but ultimately okay. However, I argue both… My parents are the closest people to me. They know practically everything about me, because I’ve told them: I told them about the time that I smoked weed for the first (and only) time, about when I got drunk with Beth in California, and about all of my failures and drama. I have seen my relationship with them transform over the years… from parent-to-child, to not talking, to parent-adult child… and I appreciate the fact that I can go to them to talk to about anything. So, it doesn’t quite make sense to me that I would be unaffected by their death. Perhaps, though, my response might be like my dad’s reaction to his mother’s death? Maybe I will be affected, but it will be more complex? Not sure.

…

I don’t have much to say on Bible Study except for the fact that I never truly understood why people went until now. The Bible Study I’m in at my church is possibly the coolest religiously-affiliated thing I’ve ever been involved in.

…

(more later)

6.18/2012

Recently I’ve been thinking about relationships and moving on. Although I have felt nothing for Tramaine for a while now, i feel as though there were certain things that I held on to. One example of this is her Xbox Live Gamertag. Her gamertag had been in my friends list up until two days ago. My sister asked me why she was still there. I gave her an answer that I wanted to be a constant reminder for her, that even though we didn’t talk any more… that I would be that constant reminder of how she screwed up and what she lost. However, I realized through saying this that I was still holding onto something. This entire time, I couldn’t get myself to delete it. I couldn’t remove the last digital remnant of her. I have deleted her from Find My Friends, I have deleted her photos from my computer, and I have removed her name from my contacts list in my phone. All of these steps were naturally taken without too much thought.

It’s not that Tramaine holds control over me. She couldn’t come back if she wanted to. The hate and the salt would prevent any of that from happening. Perhaps it is just that I remember some of the good times? Perhaps its that I simply just like to keep tabs on people I’ve dated? The answer for this question goes back to the original idea of holding on: Why do I want to, or need to, keep tabs on her? Why should I care?

…

About the hate, the salt, and all of the other negative emotions. I feel as though these emotions will remain because of the history involved. I compare it to eating a particular dish at a restaurant. If you got sick from that particular dish, it might make you wary of the same dish at another restaurant. Similarly, my bad experiences with Averya and Tramaine have been carried with me, first and foremost so that I may learn certain lessons. Secondly, so that I can be more discriminant in choosing the next person I choose to date.

Disgust also is an emotion that I face. I am easily disgusted by people who share in the same behaviors as the people I’ve dated (because of the largely negative experiences that came from both). So, if I see anyone who has a similar behavior (excessive privacy, not understanding their own emotions, not being able to effectively communicate their emotions/feelings/etc., being excessively emotional, etc.) I am quickly turned off and usually tune out. I remember feeling this way about certain people I met at MSM, and even people I’ve met more recently at the medical school and this conference I’m at.

There’s also self-loathing. I feel this in reference to the idea that I actually may have caused this by being less-masculine (in reference to other guys, especially the bad ones), nerdy, too nice/weak, or some other inadequacy. I sometimes feel that if I were different that things may have worked out. This emotion makes me constantly strive to become better than I was, to be in a state of flux, and to accept the changes towards what I feel would limit my weaknesses.

…

I think that I underestimated some of the residual issues that come with dating someone for nearly three years. I was able to get rid of certain things, but others persisted. I think I should have done things more systemically, more meticulously (like the first time), so that I could have avoided the lingering issues.

Moving on.

6.2/2012

So tired recently.

Sigh.

Had a dream today. I’m pretty sure I know what it means, but I’m not one-hundred percent certain.

Slightly vague.

I feel like there are many themes that I’ve found throughout my life. One of which I will speak about today. The theme I’ve noticed is that many people I’ve met do not know to develop friends. Many people I’ve seen have issues with friendship. It’s not that they don’t have friends. They do. The real issue is that they don’t have friends that satisfy them on the kind of deep levels that they desire. The problem is that they don’t know how to dig deeper, or don’t feel comfortable going deeper.

To me, the answer appears simple: Investigate. Ask questions, seek answers. Every time I meet someone new who I think would be an interesting person, I ask them questions. I find out what they’re like, what they like, and why they like it. Then, I begin to investigate their beliefs and, depending on the belief, why they believe whatever it may be. I feel that, to have a deeper relationship, you must investigate a deeper meaning within the relationship you have. (If the person happens to be someone who doesn’t enjoy conversation, or just doesn’t think about things on a deeper level, then move on. Trying to convince someone otherwise is futile.) In order to do this, you must invest time in actually getting to know someone.

Some people I know don’t feel comfortable with asking questions. Perhaps they think that they’re not close enough to the person to ask a question. Sometimes I think this is a very legitimate reason, however, in some cases it is really an issue of judgment. Some people cannot accurately judge how close to a person they are. Some people perceive themselves to be farther than they actually are. Other, conversely, perceive themselves to be closer than they actually are… which then can lead to offensively invasive actions.

One such example of issue of perceived closeness is someone I know at the medical school. This girl thought that she was much closer to me than she was. She saw me at the mall with someone else I know, and asked if the girl I was with was my girlfriend. Naturally, if it were up to me, I would have avoided answering the question. I don’t know her, nor does she know me. It doesn’t make sense why she should expect me to answer a question like that, given the level of invasiveness.

Most of the examples are like this however: People feel further than they are. They might be close enough to ask, but they fear the offensive nature of their invasive question. Even some people who consider themselves “best friends” with another person have held this same belief and have been affected by this same fear. However, if they were truly “best friends,” the person would understand that their questioning was not meant to intrude or undermine, but simply to understand.

What I try to do is preface the question with the notion that the person always has a choice. They can choose to answer the question, or, if it is too invasive, they can bow out of an answer. Bowing out is not a bad thing. Maybe the person is not prepared to talk about the issue at hand. Maybe I’m the issue. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with me to a point where they feel like sharing it. Either way, this helps me both understand the person and judge just how close I might be.

In the end, I feel as though most people like when people show interest in them. I think most people wouldn’t mind talking about themselves and made to feel important. As long as you ask people questions in a respectful and non-judgmental way, most people will respond positively.

Investing is key.

6.1/2012

There’s a current trend in gaming that pisses me off: the idea of “online passes.” I understand that game companies want to make money off of new-game sales, and that some people are so eager to play online that they’ll actually pay for it, given they already bought the game, but this is horribly wrong. It shouldn’t matter whether I buy a game brand spanking new or used. Given I’m not playing a MMORPG, the online part of the game is part of its content. It’s like buying a DVD used and having to pay extra for the deleted scenes that the primary buyer already watched.

The reason I’m so heated about this is because of recent purchases. I bought a decent amount of games recently, since I cannot play while in school, and some of the games (Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit, Madden 11, Ghost Recon: Future Soldier, etc.) actually have the online pass feature. To add insult to injury, all of the passes have been used… even those that I bought from GameFly… which doesn’t seem to make much sense, since I didn’t think that they sent people the game boxes or the online pass code when people rented their games. (I could be wrong though. I’ve never actually been a GameFly customer.

To me, it seems as if game companies are attempting to undermine the used-game sales industry, by promoting players to buy new games in order to avoid paying for an online pass. It seems strange to me that certain companies would be okay with charging money for something that has always been “free” ( given you have a xbox live subscription… or a PS3). Certain companies in the gaming industry are warring with the used-game industry, and gamers, I think, suffer the, perhaps, unintended collateral damage.

I’m looking at you, EA.

5.22/2012

Tooting one’s horn…

I’d never been a person to brag outside of video games. One thing I used to feel very strongly about was not taking credit for community service. At my high school, there were awards for the amount of community service done. At the time, I felt as though accepting an award for community service was a contradiction. Community service is volunteer work, it is an act of charity. Having an award for community service promoted a mentality of doing service for reward rather than for the good of the community. Accepting an award for community service seemed to negate the philanthropic deed.

Recently, I have gone through a reversal. A week or so ago, I was in the office of multicultural affairs and one of the Deans told me to remember to do community service. Little did he know, Kaye and I have continuously done service. We mentor weekly, we have given multiple health education talks, helped build houses with Habitat for Humanity, and done a variety of other service around St. Louis. It just seemed like the epitome of irony to me. He was lecturing to people whom had probably done more community service than nearly everyone in the first year in medical school.

The lesson, as he taught us, was that the more he knows about what we do, the more scholarships and opportunities he can push our way. If he knew we had been more active, he could have let us know of scholarships that had passed for students that were highly active in the community. So, from this point on, I’m going to make it a habit to send him an email every once in a while to let him know what we’ve been doing.

I guess some things have to change.

4.23/2012

…

4.20/2012

I just saw Brown Sugar. It was one of the most hyped Black movies that I hadn’t seen yet. It was alright. I liked the themes of hip-hop and the metaphors that the characters would make between it and their relationship, but I didn’t entirely like the story. I guess my reason for not liking the story is kind of unreasonable, but I just didn’t think it was applicable to my life, and I just thought that it could have been solved by communication or having solid moral lines that the characters would not cross.

The first issue is communication. Apparently, in college, the male character told his female friend character that he liked her. However, at that point in time, she only thought of him as a friend. As time passed, her feelings changed. My question is this: Why didn’t she ask her male friend if his feelings had changed? The male friend had already revealed himself to have been attracted to her and liked her at some point. So, given this, it would make sense to ask if things had changed. I feel as though at least she could know and, perhaps, they could then decide to pursue a relationship or not.

My other issue was moral lines. Before the male character got married, he ended up coming over to the female friend’s house to talk about an issue. Distraught and needing comforting, his female friend comforted him with a hug… and then began to kiss him. I think that this was inappropriate, especially given the fact that he was engaged. I believe that, in this scenario, the female character acted selfishly. She should have respected his relationship. The male character isn’t any better. When his marriage is going downhill, and, simultaneously, the female character’s relationship is flourishing, he begins to act selfishly to influence her back towards him (or influence her out of her relationship).

Anyway, these were my main issues with the movie. Other than these issues, I thought the movie was very good. I liked its themes. I’d give it a 7.5/10.

It was a decent movie.