February 17, 2009
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2.17/2009
Romantic signaling has always been strange to me. I guess because everything, and I mean everything, is utterly subjective. I've often asked people how one might be able to tell, and, of course, I'm left just as ignorant as time before I asked. One person I talk to says its all about eye contact. I don't know if I believe this. I mean, heck, I make eye contact with everyone regardless of their sex. Does that mean I like them? No. Similarly, if I went by this heuristic, or rule of thumb, nearly every woman I interact with besides one would be interested. That can't be right. (Quietly, since he is older, I feel that he may be out of touch with things like this... Well, either that or women were much simpler back in his day.)
Many people have told me to look for stuff out of the ordinary, however, that becomes vague in the context of thinking about transitions and evolutions in a relationship (i.e. from a complete stranger to a friend, or from being friends to being good friends). How do I know that these observed changes aren't a result of a blossoming friendship or an evolving friendship? The answer, I've found, is that there is no real way to know.
Lastly, some have put out the logic that "does the person do that for anyone else?" Following the logic, if there is a distinct change in the person's behavior, then it may be that the person likes you (or doesn't... depending who gets the better end of the change in behavior). My question in response to that question is "How does one test that out?" How would I know whether she treats me any different from other people, unless it's blatantly obvious? (Also, if you don't know her friends, then this clearly cannot apply unless you test it out on some of your guy friends. But, to play devil's advocate, what if she is cordial with the friends because she likes you as a friend and, because you're her friend, she wants to try to show your friends the same amount of respect that she shows you? That means nothing.) Unless she clearly likes you and hates everyone else I feel as though it is impossible to tell: I feel like being able to distinguish between someone liking you as a friend and someone being interested in you romantically (sans the most obvious physical or verbal signals) is like splitting hairs. Everything is contextual and subjective.
My question now, which I have asked many times, is this... how does one tell the difference between signals and simply being friendly? Here's an example from the female perspective. How should a girl know that a man's courtesy or chivalry (opening and holding doors, being polite, etc.) is a signal? It could be simply something hardwired into them. Perhaps their parents raised them with the notion that all women should be treated with equal respect and this respect would be demonstrated with chivalrous actions? If a guy friend comes down to visit (or is willing to do so), does that mean something, or is that just someone who misses their friend? What about gifts? Is that a signal that the guy likes her, or just him thinking of her randomly, or tradition (i.e. Christmas, Channukah, birthday, etc.)? However, from the female perspective there are some fairly distinct ways of knowing... for example, if the guy pays for a meal or an outing without owing the woman previously. If he opens car doors for a woman. If he cooks for her. If he does something simply to impress her.
From the guy's perspective, how does he know whether a smile means anything? She could just be friendly. What about if she's very physical? It could be that she's just a touchy-feely person. What about if she laughs at his jokes? Everyone laughs at jokes, sometimes no matter how bad. How does a guy know if he's being invited to a movie by a woman that it means anything? Friends do that all the time. Going to dinner could be the same. How does he know if female friend coming down to see him means anything, or if its just a sign of a friend missing another friend? How does he know whether a woman saying things like "You should meet my dog" is a sly way of saying "Come see me" or is just being friendly by wanting to show off her dog? What about if she dresses up for him when they go out? Is that a sign? It could be that she just felt like it. What about if she calls him a lot? She could just be lonely, or feel comfortable talking with the person as a friend.
The point of this post is to illuminate how subjective all of this signaling really is. Essentially, nearly every form of subtle, non-overt, signaling can be seen from two completely different lights. The person can be seen as making a move or just being friendly. They can be seen as a romantic interest, or just a friend doing something that friends normally do.
However...perhaps I'm over-thinking this. Perhaps parsimony and simplicity is the rule that I should go by? Perhaps a simple test of intuition should suffice? However, every time I think this one question comes up....What if my intuition is wrong? How can I prove what I know without risking a misread of the potential signals?
Why am I afraid of the misread? Here's an analogy... When I was in elementary school, at Oak Hill and Rohan Woods back the day, I hated being called to read unless I felt internally confident of the pronunciation of the words and the cadence of the sentence. I hated it. It was a public ridicule if you didn't know the right way to say the word, or if you had a problem with the rhythm of the sentence. I see romantic misreading as an extension of this. Approaching someone based on a misread signal is equally embarrassing. It's like someone saying "I'm afraid of spiders" and you responding "Hey, would like to get coffee sometime?" 'an embarrassing non sequitur: It doesn't make sense and creates an awkward situation for no reason.
What I wish to develop is either the confidence not to care about the embarrassment, or, conversely, some way to test the waters before I dive. (I'm not sure if I'm going to get the physics concepts right on this metaphor, but I'll try it anyway.) Like a physicist, I want to be able to send out a small positive test charge (that can seem both interested and innocuous) into the electric field [woman] to see the charge of the field [whether she's attracted to me] and its direction [if she wants me to act on it]. From this I would be able to move without a problem. However, this system is most likely an ideal, and I'm swimming in a fantasy world by just imaging a sure-fire way to know a woman's feelings indirectly.
The reason for this post is three-fold. I woke up this morning from an epiphany of sorts. Multiple situations, clear as day, came into my mind. Seeing people in the past doing things that I didn't question then, but I can see where they were going now. I screwed up and I know it now. Secondly, I just felt like writing for some reason and this happened to be the thing fresh in my mind. Lastly, I have to admit that I'm thinking of testing some things out on some people down here in Atlanta, but I'm not sure. There's one problem: I don't feel completely or fully invested in any one particular person here. That's not an issue for the experiment of testing the waters, no... but, it is in relation to if the experiment succeeds.
Obviously, this whole romance thing is very vague to me.
Sometimes, I wonder why random strangers open up to me...
Do I outwardly appear sympathetic or empathetic to strangers?
I thought about getting Street Fighter 4 today, but, without parrying, I feel as though the game wouldn't be nearly as interesting. I hear they have a "focus attack system" but that only allows the player to absorb (and heal) one attack and not multiple. Thus, parrying entire super attacks is gone. There will be no more Daigo videos. That's a depressing thought when it was that exact phenomenon that got me into Street Fighter: Third Strike in the first place.
Meh... Maybe I'll rent it this week.
Six pack achieved!
Mission Accomplished.
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