April 10, 2012
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4.10/2012
A lot has changed since I last posted. I've gotten into medical school, and I'm currently finishing up my first year. Tramaine and I broke up... seems like it was difficult for her to be faithful given the distance, and it was becoming increasingly difficult (if not impossible) to trust her again. Lastly, my grandmother died on my father's side.
...
Okay, so I'm in medical school. A lot has changed. I was honestly quite afraid of what might happen if I chose to go to SLU. I ended up going to school with a lot of people that I didn't know well. I knew Kaye, but didn't know her. She'd always been in my study group in MEDPREP, but I never really got to know her personally. Larry and I had some conversations, but I still didn't know him well. I had talked to Mallory, Candace, Tiffany, a few times but did not really know them either. The last person, Kevin, I was never truly very fond of. Anyway, things turned out for the best. I've gotten to know Kaye, and she has been a tremendous support.
...
Tramaine and I broke up in February. Okay... actually she broke up with me. This is ironic, given the fact that the real reason we broke up was because of arguments. Why were we arguing? She had issues being faithful. During the first year of our relationship, she went to a basketball game at a school she used to teach at. Outside, she met a guy and they started talking. They moved inside where they continued talking, and, at the end of the game she told him that she had fun and if he planned to go to another in the future to let her know. She gave him her email address as to contact her.
I heard this entire story while playing video games. When I heard it, I dropped the controller, turned off the console and TV, and asked her to repeat what she said. She repeated it without any shame. I think I asked her if she had known what she'd done. She didn't. She appeared confused. I tried to explain it to her with the analogy of giving my number out to some fictional, hypothetical girl that I met at a game tournament. She said she'd be upset. Now I tried to get her to connect the dots. Still wouldn't work. So, I told her to contact her married sister and ask her to comment on what had transpired at the basketball game. She did just that and called me back. Her sister agreed with me and didn't understand what she was doing or why she was doing it. She apologized, but my faith was shattered. It would take a while for me to rebound back to normal. Sadly this was not an isolated event.
The second event occurred during the second year of our relationship. She went to a Ph.D. program and met a guy named Shawn/Sean/Shaun. They began to study together and hangout. At some point, Tramaine came down to visit me in St. Louis and all she seem to talk about was Shawn. "Shawn's so smart," "He loves Nikki Minaj," "Shawn's so funny"... Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, something felt fishy, and I had to ask: "Do you like Shawn?" She responded "No, we're just friends," and then began to get defensive. "You think you know me better than I do?" She said. I responded that I wasn't saying that, but it seemed strange that she came to see me, her boyfriend, but couldn't keep from mentioning his name. It seemed even more strange that I hung around with Maya all the time in MEDPREP, and I never went on and on about her. Anyway, long story short, she went back to South Carolina to her Ph.D. program upset, then came back to St. Louis later. "Remember that conversation we had earlier?" She asked. "You were right."
That isn't the end of the second situation, she then promised to avoid Shawn. I told her it wouldn't work. You can't just cut people off that easily, especially those you have feelings for. She tried though. It worked for about two weeks before she broke down in Shawn's office, crying that she had a fight with her boyfriend OVER HIM. I wish someone could explain why someone might do this... and how this is supposed to accomplish anything other than increasing the size of his ego.
The third situation still includes Shawn. Both of us had iPhones by this point and were talking on the Face Time video chat. I was shaving and looking at myself in the mirror. "Admiring yourself, aren't you Shawn?" This time she caught herself. She began apologizing, but the damage was done. I searched for answers. I asked my parents, I asked my grandparents, I asked Kaye, I asked Kelechi, I asked everyone I trusted to get a truthful answer. Neither one of them could explain it. No one believed that "Jon" and "Shawn" were similar enough phonetically to confuse the two, and my parents swore that Tramaine and Shawn must have been messing around. As a result, this was the first time that Tramaine and I broke up.
We got back together within a week or so. But, after a while, we broke up again... this time for good. But, breaking up didn't prevent Tramaine from one last ridiculously insensitive act. As she switched her Facebook status from "In a Relationship" to "Single," people began asking her if she's alright and trying to console her. She essentially responded that she had been depressed for a while and that the break-up was a formality. She essentially painted herself as a victim and me as a villain. Had not been who I am, I would've put every last tidbit of information about her infidelity out on Facebook and let the masses decide who was the real victim. Tramaine left the relationship with an iPad, a ton of clothes, and free plane tickets. I left with a bucket of salt. I ended up contacting Tramaine, which was possibly the last time we spoke on the phone, to ask her why she would do something like this given that we broke up and there was no issues even despite all of the previous drama.
Despite our break-up, Tramaine still contacts me weekly. I guess she realized that breaking-up and having Shawn in South Carolina would not cure her loneliness, and that perhaps she needed to look deeper for a solution. Personally, I think she needed to find ways to make herself happy: Pick up a new hobby, do community service, etc. I believe that if she had, the distance would have been made easier. However, because she had so much free time, it made the loneliness more pronounced and allowed it fester. One of the critical issues Tramaine had concerned looking inside. For example. It was hard for her to connect her vocalized beliefs and her behavior. She talked about cheating and how wrong it is, but, simultaneously, couldn't realize that she was on the slippery slope to cheating throughout the entire relationship with the basketball situation and the Shawn situation. In reference to the Shawn situation, I wonder if it she actually would have cheated had I not brought it to her attention in the first place. I guess the world may never know.
My relationship with Tramaine taught me a lot of things, and ultimately lead me back to God and the church. The main things I learned about relationships is that I cannot tolerate someone who I have to teach how to be faithful and someone who isn't cognizant of their feelings for someone else. Another thing I cannot deal with is a person who feels like it is okay to tell the person their dating about all of the people who flirt with them or try to pick them up on a daily basis. I don't understand what this is supposed to do besides inspire jealousy and distrust (especially given all of the other issues that Tramaine and I had with fidelity). Lastly, I realized I cannot deal with people who don't do small things... its weird. Tramaine never said "bless you" when I sneezed. Yes, I understand how this might remind someone of the movie Dogma, and how this might seem petty, but I think that sometimes small things like that matter. Sometimes small gestures of people showing that they're paying attention and they care matter. I guess, I now understand why telling women about noticing their new hair style, clothing choices, and other alterations can be important. It shows you're paying attention to them, at least in the passive sense.
The things that I realized about myself are that I need to work on being more warm and emotional, and framing things before I speak them. I've always had the problems of warmth and outward emotion. At some point I decided I didn't like hugging people. It felt like a weakness. As I grew older, I hugged some people, but still felt awkward doing it... I guess because I didn't have practice doing it. I also have the issue of framing. Sometimes the things I saw sound horribly cold. I don't intend for that, it's just the first way I think of it, and I figure that most people will ask follow-up questions to get a greater understanding. Well, that assumption is wrong. Most people I've encountered don't ask questions and just get upset. So, I'm working on both. Hugging seems like it might be the first to change though, perhaps because its more of a behavioral change than a mental change. I don't really have any issue with hugging besides it being awkward, but that will change with time and experience.
One last thing I learned about myself is that I need to find a way to take advantage of red flags when I see them. In relationships, I often hand out forgiveness like nothing. I try to look past the issues and move on. But, I feel as though if you keep doing this, you're deluding yourself. At some point the reality needs to set in. Something isn't right. Why are these flags here? For me that moment should have either been the basketball game or the first Shawn moment. Both of them shattered my trust... the second more so than the first. I should have called it quits... any normal person would not have tolerated continuous insults. Instead, I tried to forgive, push it under a rug, and pretend like nothing happened... until the next disloyal event occurred, which would unearth all of the other issues all over again. What I learned was that I had false hope that things would change, false hope that she would change. I feel as though my hope needs a dash of realism and objectivity.
Lastly, there was some good to come out of this ideal: This experience also brought me closer to God. I guess because I was searching for meaning. Larry invited me to go to church, and I went and enjoyed it. However, it wasn't until Kaye invited me to Bible Study that sealed the deal. I had so many misconceptions about Bible Study. I thought it would be like a book club for the Bible. I assumed that everyone was well-versed, and that having read the Bible at least once was a prerequisite for the class. The class is nothing like this. The two leaders of the class are open and honest about their experiences. They understood my path to get back, and the winding journey in my faith.
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My grandmother died on March 24th, 2012. This moment was interesting for multiple reasons. For the first time in my life, I saw my own father cry. It's something I'll never quite forget. My dad is quite possibly the strongest person I know. Emotionally, I had never quite seen him like that. Sure, I'd seen him smile. I'd seen him angry or upset, but, strangely, I'd never seen him sad. Him crying was the equivalent of visual cognitive dissonance. He believed that everything is apart of the circle of life...that everyone must die... but, at the same time, this was his mother, and it must have been extremely painful for him to deal with psychologically.
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Another thing that has drastically changed is that I've become very highly active in community service and a huge advocate of education and health education. Kelechi, a friend of mine at MEDPREP, pushed me into service through a health education event in Carbondale. The reason I was against it before is because I didn't feel comfortable with the service, because I felt as though I wouldn't know what I was talking about, or the fact that I hate oral presentations. However, volunteering at SLU with Kaye has truly awakened me to service. I've enjoyed giving sexual health presentations with HIV Task Force. I've enjoyed talking to children about child abuse with the Child Abuse Prevention organization. Lastly, I've thoroughly enjoyed building houses with Habitat for Humanity. I feel like this awakening is part of who I am to become.
It's been quite the journey since I've posted.
Comments (2)
Hey long time no write, hope you are doing well. I'm curious about somethings after reading this. I have to ask, after everything you went through do you regret your relationship with Tramaine? I just think that is something to think about and reflect on. More accomplished and eloquent people would probably frame it better but I ask partly because to this date I've never been in a relationship but not for lack of trying, it's just never panned out for me. Sometimes I wonder if the emotional ride is worth the vulnerability.
Anyways, that's my response, I am also sorry for your loss, a death in the family can be a tough loss. It has been three years and I still don't think I've recovered from the loss of my dad, in fact I don't think I ever truly will. Sometimes, I think about losing my mom on top of that and it drives me a little crazy to be honest. I think besides losing children, losing parents can be the hardest thing to deal with, especially if you loved them. Losing siblings would be up there too.
Oh and before I go, I gotta say, bible studies can be interesting given the right environment. I still cherish all the times I spent in the group at the Duke Chapel after the services. Sure I went there for the free food, but I stayed there for the discussion. Plus being able to go to Costa Rica was a huge plus.
@CyberRebirth -
Relationships can be quite a complexity of emotions. I remember that when Averya and I broke up I seriously regretted the decision to date her. I regretted it until I realized that I had grown positively (in addition to negatively) from the experience. Part of my desire for Averya was because I had low self-esteem. I didn't think I was attractive, I thought I would live and die alone. Finding someone who did find me attractive helped me realize that my previous belief was not true. I gained in self-esteem and learned lessons in how to present oneself (hygiene, not slouching, etc.) and some dating do's and don'ts.
I also learned my own limitations. I thought, erroneously, that I could tolerate anyone in dating. I was wrong. Dating isn’t about merely
tolerating
someone’s inadequacies, it’s about finding someone who compliments you, someone who you are compatible with. Sure, everyone has flaws, but I feel as though you try to find someone with flaws that are eclipsed by their strengths. I hope to find someone whose flaws don’t become the focus.
The emotional damage of the break-up sent me to re-define myself and find myself. I started eating healthier and going to the gym. I the end, although it didn't work out, I did learn some crucial lessons about life and dating.
About Tramaine...I never regretted having dated her, because I learned some similar lessons that I won't forget... for both the better and the worst. I learned further that people do find me attractive, I learned how to dress (Tramaine has a knack and a passion for fashion), and I learned that I didn't need people to "complete me." For better or worse, I have become more independent in my view of relationships. I understand now that I can stand on my own without someone validating me, and that I might need to look for someone of similar belief.
Again, my break-up with Tramaine also sent me on a journey to re-define myself. I went back to church, found God, learned how to cook from a friend, and began doing things for me (spending time on things I enjoy doing… I will explain this later).
Yes, there is salt in relationships. Some of the salt from Averya, and especially Tramaine, persists today. However, that saltiness provides me with tools that I can use to avoid similar situations in the future. It helps me navigate the dating field better in search for someone who is more compatible. It’s kind of like a game in a sense. The failures help you become successful later on. You learn your lesson and carry it into the future.
I do understand the idea of wanting to avoid vulnerability when thinking about dating. Being vulnerable sucks. However, my personal philosophy is that it is inevitable. Although Burnout 3’s philosophy of “risk equals reward” is a bit extreme, I believe it has some value in this conversation as a metaphor for life. In pursuit of anything, I feel like something must be risked to be successful. In competitive gaming, I feel as though we risk emotions and self-worth on wins and losses to achieve higher and higher levels of skill. In friendship, we risk personal vulnerability to gain higher and higher levels of friendship and understanding. I feel like in relationships, one must make a similar risk. You have to be vulnerable… you must lower your defenses so to speak, to allow someone to get in, and to achieve something greater.
Granted, Burnout’s idea of “risk equals reward” isn’t always true. It’s not a one-to-one direct correlation that Burnout makes it seem. Sometimes you risk and there is no reward (at least in the form that would be expected)…sometimes things just don’t pan out the way you’d like. Heck, even in Burnout sometimes you attempt to race on the opposite site of the road only to get smashed by an oncoming car and lose the race. Haha.
In life, some may want to undo these negative events, and I completely understand why they might want to do this. But, I feel as though these events are beneficial in some respect. Perhaps the event granted you wisdom. Perhaps it granted you strength. Every experience helps you get through life. Similarly, all of your experiences will help you find someone who you're compatible with.
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One thing I noticed about relationships thus far is that they can be stifling. I feel as though I cannot learn as much as I need to while in a relationship because there are expectations, assumptions, and fears that prevent me from learning. For example: There were a number of occasions where I could have gone to parties, get-togethers, and other cultural events (that friends [guys, girls or both] might have been hosting or going to). I didn’t go out of respect for my girlfriend’s expectations, assumptions, or fears. She might have expected me to skip and stay on the phone with her. She might have assumed that some girl (or girl-friend) might try to put a move on me… or she might have been afraid that I’d meet someone at the event and “fall in love with them.”
All of these events help shape me as a person. They help define or strengthen my beliefs. They help mold my character and my understanding of the world. I feel like I need to experience as much as I can before heading back into another relationship.
…
Okay, about my Grandmother. I think this might be a more difficult response… or more simple? I’m not really bothered by the death of my grandmother. I think there are multiple possible reasons for this:
The first reason is that I don’t think I knew my grandmother all that well. All I really remember of her is generic things (“Eat your vegetables,” “make sure to do well in school,” and I remember her asking my teachers how I was doing in classes when she came to school for Grandparents’ Day). I didn’t know her all that well, so I guess the impact was relatively blunted. Part of the reason that I don’t think I knew her well is that I think she was developing dementia around the time I might have asked questions.
The second reason that I feel as though I’m not bothered is because the death was predictable. She had progressive dementia, then she slipped and fell (physically) and was placed into a nursing home. In the nursing home she began to stop eating (which is a sign of death in the elderly from what I’ve learned in some of my classes). Relatively shortly after, she died. It sad that she died, but, at the same time, she lived a very full life. She was able to have a family, raise children, and watch her grandchildren grow in addition to enjoying her own interests in Bridge and other social activities. Perhaps if it were a random death (such as the shooting at The Dark Knight Rises showing in Colorado), I would be more distraught. But, I’ve struggled with this concept… which leads to the third possible reason.
The third reason is because I might be a cold, heartless person. However, there are arguments for and against that. The pro-cold argument lies in the fact that I can cut people off without hesitation. The counter-argument is that I was heavily emotionally distraught at my break-up with both Averya and Tramaine. It took me nearly six months to get over Averya. Strangely, it only took me a few weeks to a month to get over Tramaine. I don’t know… I seem to oscillate between these two sides all of the time.
I’ve thought about the death of my parents a few times, and I’m scared by the potential responses that run through my mind. Part of me thinks I will be utterly devastated by their deaths. Another part believes that I will be okay with their death. Sad, but ultimately okay. However, I argue both… My parents are the closest people to me. They know practically everything about me, because I’ve told them: I told them about the time that I smoked weed for the first (and only) time, about when I got drunk with Beth in California, and about all of my failures and drama. I have seen my relationship with them transform over the years… from parent-to-child, to not talking, to parent-adult child… and I appreciate the fact that I can go to them to talk to about anything. So, it doesn’t quite make sense to me that I would be unaffected by their death. Perhaps, though, my response might be like my dad’s reaction to his mother’s death? Maybe I will be affected, but it will be more complex? Not sure.
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I don’t have much to say on Bible Study except for the fact that I never truly understood why people went until now. The Bible Study I’m in at my church is possibly the coolest religiously-affiliated thing I’ve ever been involved in.
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(more later possibly in the post on my site)
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