June 18, 2012
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6.18/2012
Recently I've been thinking about relationships and moving on. Although I have felt nothing for Tramaine for a while now, i feel as though there were certain things that I held on to. One example of this is her Xbox Live Gamertag. Her gamertag had been in my friends list up until two days ago. My sister asked me why she was still there. I gave her an answer that I wanted to be a constant reminder for her, that even though we didn't talk any more... that I would be that constant reminder of how she screwed up and what she lost. However, I realized through saying this that I was still holding onto something. This entire time, I couldn't get myself to delete it. I couldn't remove the last digital remnant of her. I have deleted her from Find My Friends, I have deleted her photos from my computer, and I have removed her name from my contacts list in my phone. All of these steps were naturally taken without too much thought.
It's not that Tramaine holds control over me. She couldn't come back if she wanted to. The hate and the salt would prevent any of that from happening. Perhaps it is just that I remember some of the good times? Perhaps its that I simply just like to keep tabs on people I've dated? The answer for this question goes back to the original idea of holding on: Why do I want to, or need to, keep tabs on her? Why should I care?
...
About the hate, the salt, and all of the other negative emotions. I feel as though these emotions will remain because of the history involved. I compare it to eating a particular dish at a restaurant. If you got sick from that particular dish, it might make you wary of the same dish at another restaurant. Similarly, my bad experiences with Averya and Tramaine have been carried with me, first and foremost so that I may learn certain lessons. Secondly, so that I can be more discriminant in choosing the next person I choose to date.
Disgust also is an emotion that I face. I am easily disgusted by people who share in the same behaviors as the people I've dated (because of the largely negative experiences that came from both). So, if I see anyone who has a similar behavior (excessive privacy, not understanding their own emotions, not being able to effectively communicate their emotions/feelings/etc., being excessively emotional, etc.) I am quickly turned off and usually tune out. I remember feeling this way about certain people I met at MSM, and even people I've met more recently at the medical school and this conference I'm at.
There's also self-loathing. I feel this in reference to the idea that I actually may have caused this by being less-masculine (in reference to other guys, especially the bad ones), nerdy, too nice/weak, or some other inadequacy. I sometimes feel that if I were different that things may have worked out. This emotion makes me constantly strive to become better than I was, to be in a state of flux, and to accept the changes towards what I feel would limit my weaknesses.
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I think that I underestimated some of the residual issues that come with dating someone for nearly three years. I was able to get rid of certain things, but others persisted. I think I should have done things more systemically, more meticulously (like the first time), so that I could have avoided the lingering issues.
Moving on.
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