July 22, 2012
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7.22/2012
Relationships can be quite a complexity of emotions. I remember that when Averya and I broke up I seriously regretted the decision to date her. I regretted it until I realized that I had grown positively (in addition to negatively) from the experience. Part of my desire for Averya was because I had low self-esteem. I didn't think I was attractive, I thought I would live and die alone. Finding someone who did find me attractive helped me realize that my previous belief was not true. I gained in self-esteem and learned lessons in how to present oneself (hygiene, not slouching, etc.) and some dating do's and don'ts.
I also learned my own limitations. I thought, erroneously, that I could tolerate anyone in dating. I was wrong. Dating isn’t about merely tolerating someone’s inadequacies, it’s about finding someone who compliments you, someone who you are compatible with. Sure, everyone has flaws, but I feel as though you try to find someone with flaws that are eclipsed by their strengths. I hope to find someone whose flaws don’t become the focus.
The emotional damage of the break-up sent me to re-define myself and find myself. I started eating healthier and going to the gym. I the end, although it didn't work out, I did learn some crucial lessons about life and dating.
About Tramaine...I never regretted having dated her, because I learned some similar lessons that I won't forget... for both the better and the worst. I learned further that people do find me attractive, I learned how to dress (Tramaine has a knack and a passion for fashion), and I learned that I didn't need people to "complete me." For better or worse, I have become more independent in my view of relationships. I understand now that I can stand on my own without someone validating me, and that I might need to look for someone of similar belief.
Again, my break-up with Tramaine also sent me on a journey to re-define myself. I went back to church, found God, learned how to cook from a friend, and began doing things for me (spending time on things I enjoy doing… I will explain this later).
Yes, there is salt in relationships. Some of the salt from Averya, and especially Tramaine, persists today. However, that saltiness provides me with tools that I can use to avoid similar situations in the future. It helps me navigate the dating field better in search for someone who is more compatible. It’s kind of like a game in a sense. The failures help you become successful later on. You learn your lesson and carry it into the future.
I do understand the idea of wanting to avoid vulnerability when thinking about dating. Being vulnerable sucks. However, my personal philosophy is that it is inevitable. Although Burnout 3’s philosophy of “risk equals reward” is a bit extreme, I believe it has some value in this conversation as a metaphor for life. In pursuit of anything, I feel like something must be risked to be successful. In competitive gaming, I feel as though we risk emotions and self-worth on wins and losses to achieve higher and higher levels of skill. In friendship, we risk personal vulnerability to gain higher and higher levels of friendship and understanding. I feel like in relationships, one must make a similar risk. You have to be vulnerable… you must lower your defenses so to speak, to allow someone to get in, and to achieve something greater.
Granted, Burnout’s idea of “risk equals reward” isn’t always true. It’s not a one-to-one direct correlation that Burnout makes it seem. Sometimes you risk and there is no reward (at least in the form that would be expected)…sometimes things just don’t pan out the way you’d like. Heck, even in Burnout sometimes you attempt to race on the opposite site of the road only to get smashed by an oncoming car and lose the race. Haha.
In life, some may want to undo these negative events, and I completely understand why they might want to do this. But, I feel as though these events are beneficial in some respect. Perhaps the event granted you wisdom. Perhaps it granted you strength. Every experience helps you get through life. Similarly, all of your experiences will help you find someone who you're compatible with.
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One thing I noticed about relationships thus far is that they can be stifling. I feel as though I cannot learn as much as I need to while in a relationship because there are expectations, assumptions, and fears that prevent me from learning. For example: There were a number of occasions where I could have gone to parties, get-togethers, and other cultural events (that friends [guys, girls or both] might have been hosting or going to). I didn’t go out of respect for my girlfriend’s expectations, assumptions, or fears. She might have expected me to skip and stay on the phone with her. She might have assumed that some girl (or girl-friend) might try to put a move on me… or she might have been afraid that I’d meet someone at the event and “fall in love with them.”
All of these events help shape me as a person. They help define or strengthen my beliefs. They help mold my character and my understanding of the world. I feel like I need to experience as much as I can before heading back into another relationship.
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Okay… about my Grandmother. I think this might be a more difficult response… or more simple? I’m not really bothered by the death of my grandmother. I think there are multiple possible reasons for this:
The first reason is that I don’t think I knew my grandmother all that well. All I really remember of her is generic things (“Eat your vegetables,” “make sure to do well in school,” and I remember her asking my teachers how I was doing in classes when she came to school for Grandparents’ Day). I didn’t know her all that well, so I guess the impact was relatively blunted. Part of the reason that I don’t think I knew her well is that I think she was developing dementia around the time I might have asked questions.
The second reason that I feel as though I’m not bothered is because the death was predictable. She had progressive dementia, then she slipped and fell (physically) and was placed into a nursing home. In the nursing home she began to stop eating (which is a sign of death in the elderly from what I’ve learned in some of my classes). Relatively shortly after, she died. It sad that she died, but, at the same time, she lived a very full life. She was able to have a family, raise children, and watch her grandchildren grow in addition to enjoying her own interests in Bridge and other social activities. Perhaps if it were a random death (such as the shooting at The Dark Knight Rises showing in Colorado), I would be more distraught. But, I’ve struggled with this concept… which leads to the third possible reason.
The third reason is because I might be a cold, heartless person. However, there are arguments for and against that. The pro-cold argument lies in the fact that I can cut people off without hesitation. The counter-argument is that I was heavily emotionally distraught at my break-up with both Averya and Tramaine. It took me nearly six months to get over Averya. Strangely, it only took me a few weeks to a month to get over Tramaine. I don’t know… I seem to oscillate between these two sides all of the time.
I’ve thought about the death of my parents a few times, and I’m scared by the potential responses that run through my mind. Part of me thinks I will be utterly devastated by their deaths. Another part believes that I will be okay with their death. Sad, but ultimately okay. However, I argue both… My parents are the closest people to me. They know practically everything about me, because I’ve told them: I told them about the time that I smoked weed for the first (and only) time, about when I got drunk with Beth in California, and about all of my failures and drama. I have seen my relationship with them transform over the years… from parent-to-child, to not talking, to parent-adult child… and I appreciate the fact that I can go to them to talk to about anything. So, it doesn’t quite make sense to me that I would be unaffected by their death. Perhaps, though, my response might be like my dad’s reaction to his mother’s death? Maybe I will be affected, but it will be more complex? Not sure.
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I don’t have much to say on Bible Study except for the fact that I never truly understood why people went until now. The Bible Study I’m in at my church is possibly the coolest religiously-affiliated thing I’ve ever been involved in.
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(more later)
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