3.25/2009

I think I might have just met a new friend. Her name is Tramaine. We had a lengthy conversation about friendships, relationships, and confidence yesterday after class. Although she has her own quirks, she seems to be a pretty good person overall.

After class, my professor, Tramaine and I had a long talk about friendships, relationships and confidence. I don't understand how we got on that subject, but, for some reason, the conversation gravitated towards it. Anyway the main topic of discussion was that both Professor Smith and Tramaine, both whom are women, believed that there was no such thing as platonic friends. They were asking me questions such as: "Why would a grown woman have a good male friend?" or "Why would a grown woman hangout with a grown man?" They believe that there is always some attraction on one side or the other.

Although I cant disprove their theory, I'd like to believe that men and women can be friends based on similar interests rather than attraction. Or it could be based around boredom. Maybe the two people want to do something, but don't know or have anyone who they can ask. There have been women that I have been friends with in which I have had no attraction to whatsoever. Despite the fact that I'm not interested, I can't disprove their theory because I cannot one-hundred percent, without a doubt, state the feelings of my opposite sex friends. I can assume, but that is the best I can do. Therefore, they could be right. There could be feelings somewhere.

Back to Tramaine... seems like she could become a good friend of mine given communication continues after graduation. (If I graduate. Haha) This feeling comes from that fact that I can sense her level of investment thus far and it seems usually high despite the fact that we really don't know each other beyond anything superficial. Hmmm... I guess we will have to see how this develops... or if it develops.

Good times.

3.23/2009

Had another dream today concerning my thesis. Again, I followed it. I immediately woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and headed down to school to email my Thesis Committee about meeting dates and thesis defense dates, but, more importantly, to work on my thesis and the thesis defense. I just don't understand how these dreams work. Are they my subconscious talking to me? Is it God? These dreams are just a little too convenient to be some sort of fluke. They always seem to happen to occur exactly at the right moments, exactly when they are necessary. Even crazier is the fact that the impetus behind the dream never steers me wrong. It seems as though every time I have been lead into a perfect scenario. Everything seems to go according to plan.

I remember I used to think that my Mom's dreams, her visions, and the voices that would occasionally talk to her meant nothing. I figured the voices were her imagination, the visions were just hunches and the dreams were just intuition. But, I'm starting to think that these phenomena might be more significant than I gave credit. These dreams are very real and very relevant.

Lucid dreams.

3.22/2009

God, I've been thinking about her all day. I'm trying to stop thinking about her, because it's seriously starting to distract my thoughts. I still don't completely understand this connection to this girl. I haven't really felt this way about anyone: Always wondering if she's safe, doing alright, and wanting to hear from her.

The strangest thing about this is that sometimes it comes in waves. Sometimes I don't think about her much and I can go through my day without so much as a thought about her, and other days its almost like my mind craves talking to her. Stranger yet is that I didn't really feel this longing when I was with Averya. Perhaps that was because of the nature of our relationship: The fact that we talked every day for hours. Perhaps moderation of communication creates this feeling.

Though, I wonder...What exactly is this feeling? Is this what love is like?

Hmmm...I wonder if she feels the same way.

3.18/2009

After beating Resident Evil 5 and its Mercenaries Mode, I have to conclude that the game is a lot of fun, but it seems to fall short of the standards of its previous installment. It doesn't seem to innovate and falls short in terms of length of play, a tense environment, reward for experimentation, and depth of story (even despite the fact that current Resident Evil games aren't well-known for having the greatest stories in the world). In all honesty, it feels like a shorter, co-op Resident Evil game with less features. My question is this: Why do I hardly ever feel satisfied with game sequels? Furthermore... am I spoiled in terms of video-games? Nearly every sequel I've played was either a huge disappointment (i.e. Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Gears of War 2, Halo 3 [multiplayer], Burnout Paradise, [didn't appreciate an open-ended Burnout game], Ninja Gaiden 2) or seems to fall short in some respect (Street Fighter 4, Rock Band 2, Resident Evil 5). I guess the reason for my disappointment lies in the fact that every previous installment either was a huge innovation in their respective genre, or that they offered more depth than before. Perhaps developers realize they can be lazy and still have incredible sales. So, from their perspective, why try?

Then again... maybe I just have high standards?

I read an article today on CNN about the Pope's visit to Africa. Apparently he reaffirmed the ban on condom usage... in light of the large AIDS epidemic. I don't understand it... How could you turn a blind eye to people becoming infected and dying at at high rate? I understand what the Catholic doctrine says, but, how is this decision, in spite of the current AIDS crisis, the moral-ethical thing to do?

What would Jesus have done?

3.14/2009

God, I love co-op experiences. I seriously love them. There's something completely entertaining about complete cooperation and working as one. Of course, I'm talking about the recent release of Resident Evil 5. Pyro, a friend of mine on Xbox Live, and I have been running through Veteran mode (the hardest starting difficulty) with our teamwork. Through playing Halo, Gears, and Resident Evil 4, we understand both how to play the game aggressively and also cover each other when we're getting mobbed. I tend to focus on single-shot weapons (pistols, shotgun, bolt-action sniper rifle, etc.) whereas he focuses on some single and multi-shot weapons (Pistols, shotguns, SMGs, etc.) and this blend tends to work out well: I spend most of my money upgrading my pistol for critical headshots and he spends most of his money on his SMG. One of the best feelings in the game is the melee-comboing system: Yesterday Pyro shot a guy in the face then punched him, I kicked him back towards Pyro, and he punched him again to kill him. Capcom, the developer of the game, has proven it to me, yet again, that they are the most consistently good developer out there. Their games exude excellence, and anyone can see it.

Now that I think about it, I guess the reason I love cooperative experiences is because of their relationship building qualities. They allow people to work together towards a similar goal and learn about their collective strengths and weaknesses. Competitive experiences can be fun, but I always feel that one person involved in the competition takes losses more personally than the other. Thus, although competitive situations can be constructive, I feel as though they're most commonly destructive.

Times up, let's do this... LEEEROY JENKINS!

3.12/2009

Thesis draft is nearly done. I still can't believe I've done this.

This is academic skill at it's best.

3.11/2009

There is something entirely fulfilling about being the underdog. There is something entirely enjoyable about flipping someone's expectations. I started out of the gate very slowly on my thesis. This week a complete first draft is due, and I've been cramming months of work of a thesis into mere hours. I've been covering ground that nearly everyone thought was impossible. Hell, at one point, even I thought it was impossible. That's part of the reason why I procrastinated so much. I thought it was too late to get my committee, too late to get IRB approval, too late to turn in a prospectus, and too late to work on my data and finish my thesis before the March 13th deadline. However, although I'm not done yet, I have passed all of the bureaucracy and the last real thing that stands in my way is completing the draft of the thesis. That just means I have to make sure I analyzed my data correctly (read: the hard part), and then (read: the easy part) summarize what the data is saying in my paper.

The best part about this whole experience has to be the moment when asking some people to serve on my thesis committee... during the week in which I have to turn in the draft... more than a semester after I should have established my committee. When I asked Dr. Murrain, one of my favorite teachers, he responded with something like this: "Sure, it's late, but I know you can do it." He believes in my abilities to make up for the slacking that I'd done. The same goes for my Practicum preceptor, Simone. Both of these people understand my potential and believe that I can do things that normally shouldn't be feasible.

Heh, I might be able to do the impossible.

I swear, watching my friend Manzy in his post-break-up stage is like looking into the past. I can see all of the familiar symptoms of the break-up: The oscillating regret, the loneliness, the depression, and the need to reach out to someone who might understand. Even though we are two completely different people, we have the same reaction to the end of a relationship. Strange.

I keep telling him, as people kept telling me as I struggled with my emotions and my mental status quo, that what he did was the best decision he ever made. Whether he knows it now or not, it is. He removed himself from an emotionally harmful solution. It's better that he left when he did than leaving more attached. Sure, he's unhappy now, but after he's done rebounding emotionally, he'll be back and possibly stronger and more confident than before.

I look at situations like this and laugh at whoever might believe that men are less emotional than women. It's not that we're less emotional, we've been socialized to suppress our emotions, to hide them, to pretend they doesn't exist - when, in reality, they do. The reality is that men are told to deal with their emotions differently: by internalizing it. Women, on the other hand, seem to be generally taught that it is okay to show emotion externally... that it is okay to cry when depressed, and openly talk about emotions that men might call "mushy" or "gay." Being a man in society is all about silently taking emotional punishment, despite the fact that it might be wreaking havoc on you inside.

You'll be alright, kid.

There are two things to look forward to on Friday. The first is the completion of my first draft of my thesis. The second, of course, is Resident Evil 5. I've played the demo into the ground. Within the two levels of the demo, I've perfected my strategies for conserving ammo, I've found cheats, I've found glitches, and I've found some great people to partner up with to complete the game with ease. This game is going to make this weekend the best since San Francisco.

Good times ahead.

3.10/2009

Every habit, you see, can be broken. Whether it's over-eating, not exercising, eating too much candy, not eating enough vegetables, being antisocial, cursing too much... whatever the problem may be, it can be fixed. This philosophy of mine includes video games. I'm addicted to video games and I know this. I can tell by the amount of time I spend on games. Looking at the amount of time logged into RPGs has recently begun to sicken me. So much time wasted.

The reason I'd never consciously tried reducing it was because I didn't feel a need to correct the addiction. At Duke, I could moderate the playing fairly well and I didn't see a problem with excess video game playing. Now isn't much different, but the challenge of reducing the pull of video games seems like too much fun. Can I control the impulses? Can I limit myself? I'm not sure.

The method of making this change? I think I might start by limiting myself to thirty minutes of gaming a day. I think that would be one way of reducing time playing games. Another way might be to limit myself to only gaming on weekends. I guess I could find other things to do during the free times on week days. Perhaps I could write more, or study more, find things to do around Atlanta, or learn to do something new.

The first step for changing my behavior is always creating an incentive. In reference to exercising, the incentive was the science of body-building. It was recording the gains of muscle via camera, the energy boosts from working out, and the positive self-image. In reference to candy, such as Skittles, the incentive was that I could live healthier and avoid potentially developing diabetes. I realized I never needed candy to begin with: Sugar can be obtained from healthier sources such as fruits, fruit juices, and granola bars. Eliminating soda was the same. It's unnecessary.

What could be my incentive this time? What would I fill my free time with? I think I might have to think of another, healthy way to entertain myself. Perhaps start reading? Perhaps invest more time in movies? Perhaps investing more time learning new audio-visual information? Not sure.

My goal is complete self-control.

My mother and I are people who take our dreams seriously. Mom has told me of various occasions in which her dreams have warned her about events to come, or helped her out of difficult situations. Perhaps I have inherited this trait, for dreams are a huge part of my life. They have the ability to help me out of different situations, as well as help me change as a person.

At different points in my life, I have had meaningful dreams - dreams with distinct messages telling me to do something. They're always helpful. I remember a point in high school where I remember going to sleep and having a dream about being at school. In this dream, the teacher was coming around collecting the assignment from everyone. At this point in both the dream and the real world, I realized I hadn't done it. Immediately, I woke up from the dream went to the computer in the office and finished the assignment that I'd forgotten about. A few times at Duke, I had assignments for classes in which I had no clue how on Earth I'd finish them. I'd end up going to sleep, and waking up with a the right strategy for the assignment. I can't explain how this works, but it does.

I've also had a different type of dreams... Dreams of painful hindsight. In these dreams past events collect like beads of water rolling down a window. I can see moments of affection, moments where I should have told people how I felt, and moments where I should have enjoyed the company of friends rather than thinking of nothing but academia or video games. I wake up with a bitter sense of failure and of regret. These dreams are only beneficial in the sense that I remember them. Without them, I'm even more destined to repeat them. These dreams give me perspective on my life.

What dreams may come?

3.9/2009

I will never understand how abusers can become the abused, or how victims can remain victims. Why, if you were raised in an abusive household (perhaps your father beat your mother), and you understood that the act was horrible, would you abuse the person you're with? Similarly, if you grew up without a parent, why would you leave your own family? Perhaps the reason why I cannot understand these phenomenon is because I came from a relatively flawless family. We didn't have any real issues of abuse. Perhaps if I had these issues, I might be able to understand how hard it is to deviate from this kind of behavior? But... still... where does personal responsibility factor in? Is self-control not an issue here?!

I just don't get it... It can't be that hard. Any non-addictive behavior can be controlled with a little bit of self-control. People can change if they desire to do so. I feel that some people just decide not to fight their impulses. Many people have violent impulses.... I too occasionally have them. However, these impulses are tempered by both the reality of the consequences and other forms of self-control.

Why can't other people control themselves?

I finally made the effort to get physical copies of the San Francisco pictures.

I'm not a picture-taking person, yet I enjoy being able to look back at these moments.

I think I've finally realized that Alicia liking me might not be too far from the truth. Here's how I reached this conclusion: My Blackberry Storm has a program, which all Blackberry devices have, called Blackberry Messenger. This program works like AIM and allows multiple people to send instant messages to people's phones. It's like text messaging without the fees. Anyway, Alicia comes in to help work on our group project and said that she saw my away message that read "Please see Slumdog Millionaire." She said, as a result, she went to see the movie and enjoyed it. This seemed just a little too coincidental to me. Why would she mention that she read my message? She could have just as easily said that she saw the movie and liked it. (I also remember putting up a message about my interview at SIU, and she commented on that as well.)

She then proceeded to ask me if I could swim... which is utterly random in the context of our public health work and the sheer fact that I don't really disclose much personal stuff to her. (Unless, of course, she initiates the conversation.) Anyway, we were interrupted by the class, but I decided to answer her questions later and ask her why she asked the question. (Because of the random, out-of-the-blue, nature of the question.) She answered that it was because she loves to swim and has been thinking about going to swim at LA Fitness after she works out. (Also another piece of random information.)

The reason I take note of these random pieces of information is because I think she's trying to initiate or force conversation with me. She's trying to get to know me through reading up on me, asking questions, and giving me insight into her life and personality.

There are a problem with this however...

The problem mentioned above is that I'm far more interested in someone else. Let's say I pursue Alicia... what happens if I find out that the other woman is interested? Do I drop Alicia? No. That's unethical. But, waiting and testing the person seems impractical. The probing could take forever, and, because I'm always doubting the signals I gather, I'll possibly never reach a satisfactory conclusion. So, what do I do? Do I settle and perhaps deal with the situation as it comes? Or, do I wait for my ideal relationship and act on it when I see the right signals? Hmmm...

I don't know what I should do, but I have a sinking feeling that if I act in Alicia's direction that the other girl will return... and so will the feelings for her. However, if I decide to wait, I could miss out on the opportunity in front of me. Sigh.

...

Edit:

I guess what I am going to do, at least at the moment, is wait it out. Given I finish my thesis on time and graduate in May, I don't have much time with Alicia anyway. Plus, personally, I don't think I have time to deal with a close-proximity relationship right now. Long distance would be perfect.

...

Decisions.

3.6/2009

All those months waiting for Watchmen... and the movie is complete garbage. I mean, I knew there would be no way it would be able to capture all of the graphic novel in the span of three hours, but it still managed to fall short of my low expectations. The movie was that disappointing.

They changed important things, omitted others, and did executed other things horribly. I wanted a few things from this movie: I wanted to see Veidt's face after Night Owl questioned his ability to catch a bullet. I wanted to see how they would make the constructed sci-fi monster look. Lastly, I definitely wanted to see Rorschach burn down the house of the child killer (with him in it, chained to a stove with a saw at his feet). However, none of these scenes occurred. I can't even fathom why they changed these scenes. The questioning about the bullet-catching never occurred entirely. The monster didn't exist, because they had to leave out the Pirate metafiction story. Lastly, they changed Rorschach's scene by making his character kill the man with a butcher knife.

I feel as though the imagery of the original work was better. Firstly, let's talk about Veidt: Veidt's smug look in response to Night Owl's questions about the reality of bullet-catching was priceless. It demonstrated his arrogance in both his character and in his philosophy concerning peace and the ways of the world. Secondly, The sci-fi monster exploding in the middle of New York City was created a better image than the explosion by the bomb that was made in the movie. Watching people begin to notice, panic, and cope with their inevitable demise seemed a better way to demonstrate the humanity of the scene, and I believe that the bloodied aftermath was a better representation of the destructive force behind Veidt's plan. Thirdly, Rorschach, sitting outside the burning house to see if the man would escape was definitely a more powerful image than him intentionally killing the man, and becoming no different from him.

Additionally, perhaps it was just me, but I envisioned the Watchmen movie to be darker... especially because of the first trailer that was produced. The movie had too many jokes, too little moments of gravity and realism. Furthermore, where in the hell did all of these Kung Fu, Matrix-esque fighting scenes come from? (Also, I thought "Rorschach" was pronounced "Ror-shock," not "Ror-shack" but maybe I'm wrong.)

Already one of the worst films of 2009.