March 1, 2009

  • 3.1/2009

    CB Ed 11

    I find it interesting how influenced people are by their environment. By environment I'm referring to everything and everyone that surrounds them: Their family structure, their friend's belief's and behaviors and their general environment shape their being. When looking at myself I see little pieces of many different people. I'm a walking amalgam of my parents, my siblings, my friends, my teachers, and random strangers. It's strange, although a lot of things I adopted were not conscious efforts, some were. I don't talk to Andrew as much as I used to, part of which is due to my own negligence, but I consciously adopted his style of dressing... of wearing more formal clothes in casual situations. (Wearing more collared, button-down shirts and ties.) I guess it's my way of remembering who he was and showing my respect.

    Environment also plays a major role. I remember people thinking I was crazy for leaving the apartment at Duke unlocked ninety-percent of the time. It would not seem so strange if people knew my background. The house I was raised in is located in St. Louis County. I have never had to worry about robberies, muggings or any real crimes. (...At least I wasn't aware of any.) Things were pretty calm where I lived. I could walk around at night without the slightest thought of danger. This was true of my friends' places as well. I could sit on their porches late at night with only one fear... being bitten by mosquitoes. I had lived a very environmentally sheltered life before Duke, and, in some sense, I still do. Although I understand the world to not be as nice as I once did before entering college, I don't think it is as dangerous as many do.

    Environment also plays a role in reference to how people are perceived. At Morehouse and Morehouse School of Medicine, there are dozens of people who stereotype whites the same way that some whites will stereotype blacks. Some people claim that all whites are racist, even though it might not be readily apparent. Having been around whites nearly all my life, I beg to differ. White people, just like black people and all others, come in a variety of forms. I've met my fair share of overt racists, subtle racists, closet racists, and people who didn't even understand how racist they truly were... but I have also met a large proportion of good, honest people. I have found that racism is less of an inherent quality in people, but more like something that is passed down from generation to generation.

    Conversely, I grew up detesting black people. Not because of negative white perceptions of Blackness, not because I hated myself per se, but because of the narrow scope of "Blackness" that African American children and adolescents held. I was always labeled "White" by Blacks for not being interested in the mainstream activities, by not talking "Black," and not acting "Black." It wasn't until college that I began to sway from this belief, because I met some people who were more open to different interpretations of "Blackness."

    Who would I be without all of this?

    Nabuca

    Saw Slumdog Millionaire yesterday. It seriously was an amazing movie that deserved the accolades it got. I expected the movie to be good, but that was something different all together. It took me places darker than I anticipated, and made me face harsh realities that I didn't expect to see. All I knew about the movie was that it was about some Indian kid from the street (a "slumdog") who was going on the Indian version of "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire," and that he was being questioned about possibly cheating... and somehow all of this would relate back to his love interest. But... wow... what I saw was truly something.

    Slumdog Millionaire, in my opinion, met the hype.

    Death Note 10

    Went to a post-baccalaureate program interview on Friday at SIU and had one of the weirdest experiences driving down there. Dad and I drove down to Carbondale, Illinois on Thursday night, through one of the largest downpours I've ever seen. We used the GPS to navigate, but often times could barely see more than ten feet in front of the car due to the rain and the sheer darkness. Near the end of the drive, we the GPS stated that we reached our location. We looked around. We saw nothing. No hotel, no school, just houses. Thinking we drove for miles in a different direction, we frantically began to search for the address of SIU to make sure we were in the right area.

    While searching on my blackberry, I heard a knocking sound. "Did you hear that?" I asked Dad. "Hear what?" He responded. "I could've sworn I heard a knock." Right then I turn to my left and see a white face staring at me in the rainy darkness outside our window. "We're going to die." I thought.

    Lowering our window, the guy spoke up. "Are you guys okay?" He said. "We're looking for SIU and the Holiday Inn hotel" I said. "Oh it's right down this road. Just turn around, take a left and it will be on your right." We thanked the guy, drove off in that direction and found the hotel exactly where he said it would be.

    Weird.

February 19, 2009

  • 2.19/2009

    Wolf's Rain 3

    Is it fair to compare friends of the opposite sex to girlfriends or boyfriends? I've been contemplating this idea recently. For example... would it be fair to compare how one's friends of the opposite sex treat you versus the person you're in a relationship with? Is it fair to hold the person you're with to that standard? Although I have some slight reservations, honestly, I feel as though it is completely fair. Personally, I believe that if your friends of the opposite sex treat you better than your girlfriend or boyfriend, then there's something inherently wrong with that. However, I can see how a standard might be wrong if the standard is about actions initiated by the person and not a personal qualities. For example, if your friends would cook you breakfast, I feel as though it is wrong for anyone to hold a girlfriend or boyfriend to that standard. Additionally, if your friends liked going to dance clubs, I feel as though it is unfair to create a standard in which the girlfriend or boyfriend must go to dance clubs. However, I feel as though treatment in reference to personal qualities should be compared. For example, I feel as though something is amiss if your friends would help you out during a rough period, but your girlfriend or boyfriend wouldn't. I would also find something wrong with a situation in which your friends would listen to you without condemnation for speaking your mind, meanwhile your girlfriend or boyfriend wouldn't.

    Others might argue the opposite. They would argue that the level of treatment is a product of time with the person. Therefore, it would be unfair to compare long-time friends and a girlfriend or boyfriend, because one [the friends] is fully developed, whereas the other [the girlfriend or boyfriend] is still developing. I acknowledge this is true on some circumstances, however, for many people, the treatment hasn't changed that much: People did not become more kind over time, at least not noticeably so. If they are nice, good-hearted people now, they were most likely the same when we became friends.

    I bring this up because, in my last relationship, I struggled with this issue. "Is it fair to compare them?" I remember thinking this every time I saw a discrepancy. In the end, I never did because I thought it might be unfair to her. (Sadly, I probably should have, because I might have been able to save myself some additional emotional stress.) I've realized the err of my ways: Comparing these two groups is fair because it is a way to assess the healthiness of the relationship. It helps you answer the question, "Is this person right for me?" Ironically, it seems like a way to gain objectivity from subjectivity.

    A fair comparison.

    Gaara 11

    I picked up Street Fighter IV on Tuesday and I slightly regret it. The game is great as Street Fighter games go, but I can't help but think that Capcom took one step forward and ten backwards with the excision of their parrying system. In a certain light the game has become more primitive: People are now able to spam fireballs without repercussion, especially in the circumstance that their opponent has no health left and cannot block. Street Fighter: Third Strike, on the other hand allowed battles to be entirely dynamic because players had the ability to fight their way out of a loss. They had the power in their hands to reverse a battle with a perfect defense. It also allowed players to have a perfect offensive-defense by allowing them to predict their opponents moves and react accordingly to gain a further advantage.

    The word around is that Capcom dumbed down the system to allow less-experienced players entry into the franchise. Prima facie, it makes sense, however, upon further consideration, it seems ludicrous. The parrying system did not create an insurmountable barrier for new players. People who were new to Street Fighter could still enjoy the game, they just needed to learn how to parry to become higher level players. Like any game, players are required to expend effort in the form of training to become highly competitive. The same can be said of L-canceling in Smash Bros. Melee and its omission from the latest installment, Smash Bros. Brawl. L-canceling is an optional technique that makes the game more competitive, should the player desire to learn it. Players who did not L-cancel could, and did, still enjoy the game. There were perhaps millions of players that never learned many of the advanced techniques in the game, yet still loved playing it. So, my question to Capcom is "How does having parrying dissuade new players from picking up the game?"

    Anyway, aside from the lack of parrying, the game is still fairly entertaining, I guess. I played a friend of mine from Halo, who talks a mountain of trash about any game which he plays, and beat him the first two games I played. He came back and beat me the next few games, because I didn't know how to do Ultra Combos at that time, and I couldn't get Super Combos to work at that time. However, recently, I have beaten him into submission. The only times he wins is when I'm using characters completely unfamiliar to me either because this is their first appearance or because I never really used them as a kid (Fei Long, Abel, C.Viper, Balrog, El Fuego, etc.).

    ...I think I might trade this game in next week to get Star Ocean 4.

February 17, 2009

  • 2.17/2009

    Shinji 1

    Romantic signaling has always been strange to me. I guess because everything, and I mean everything, is utterly subjective. I've often asked people how one might be able to tell, and, of course, I'm left just as ignorant as time before I asked. One person I talk to says its all about eye contact. I don't know if I believe this. I mean, heck, I make eye contact with everyone regardless of their sex. Does that mean I like them? No. Similarly, if I went by this heuristic, or rule of thumb, nearly every woman I interact with besides one would be interested. That can't be right. (Quietly, since he is older, I feel that he may be out of touch with things like this... Well, either that or women were much simpler back in his day.)

    Many people have told me to look for stuff out of the ordinary, however, that becomes vague in the context of thinking about transitions and evolutions in a relationship (i.e. from a complete stranger to a friend, or from being friends to being good friends). How do I know that these observed changes aren't a result of a blossoming friendship or an evolving friendship? The answer, I've found, is that there is no real way to know.

    Lastly, some have put out the logic that "does the person do that for anyone else?" Following the logic, if there is a distinct change in the person's behavior, then it may be that the person likes you (or doesn't... depending who gets the better end of the change in behavior). My question in response to that question is "How does one test that out?" How would I know whether she treats me any different from other people, unless it's blatantly obvious? (Also, if you don't know her friends, then this clearly cannot apply unless you test it out on some of your guy friends. But, to play devil's advocate, what if she is cordial with the friends because she likes you as a friend and, because you're her friend, she wants to try to show your friends the same amount of respect that she shows you? That means nothing.) Unless she clearly likes you and hates everyone else I feel as though it is impossible to tell: I feel like being able to distinguish between someone liking you as a friend and someone being interested in you romantically (sans the most obvious physical or verbal signals) is like splitting hairs. Everything is contextual and subjective.

    My question now, which I have asked many times, is this... how does one tell the difference between signals and simply being friendly? Here's an example from the female perspective. How should a girl know that a man's courtesy or chivalry (opening and holding doors, being polite, etc.) is a signal? It could be simply something hardwired into them. Perhaps their parents raised them with the notion that all women should be treated with equal respect and this respect would be demonstrated with chivalrous actions? If a guy friend comes down to visit (or is willing to do so), does that mean something, or is that just someone who misses their friend? What about gifts? Is that a signal that the guy likes her, or just him thinking of her randomly, or tradition (i.e. Christmas, Channukah, birthday, etc.)? However, from the female perspective there are some fairly distinct ways of knowing... for example, if the guy pays for a meal or an outing without owing the woman previously. If he opens car doors for a woman. If he cooks for her. If he does something simply to impress her.

    From the guy's perspective, how does he know whether a smile means anything? She could just be friendly. What about if she's very physical? It could be that she's just a touchy-feely person. What about if she laughs at his jokes? Everyone laughs at jokes, sometimes no matter how bad. How does a guy know if he's being invited to a movie by a woman that it means anything? Friends do that all the time. Going to dinner could be the same. How does he know if female friend coming down to see him means anything, or if its just a sign of a friend missing another friend? How does he know whether a woman saying things like "You should meet my dog" is a sly way of saying "Come see me" or is just being friendly by wanting to show off her dog? What about if she dresses up for him when they go out? Is that a sign? It could be that she just felt like it. What about if she calls him a lot? She could just be lonely, or feel comfortable talking with the person as a friend.

    The point of this post is to illuminate how subjective all of this signaling really is. Essentially, nearly every form of subtle, non-overt, signaling can be seen from two completely different lights. The person can be seen as making a move or just being friendly. They can be seen as a romantic interest, or just a friend doing something that friends normally do.

    However...perhaps I'm over-thinking this. Perhaps parsimony and simplicity is the rule that I should go by? Perhaps a simple test of intuition should suffice? However, every time I think this one question comes up....What if my intuition is wrong? How can I prove what I know without risking a misread of the potential signals?

    Why am I afraid of the misread? Here's an analogy... When I was in elementary school, at Oak Hill and Rohan Woods back the day, I hated being called to read unless I felt internally confident of the pronunciation of the words and the cadence of the sentence. I hated it. It was a public ridicule if you didn't know the right way to say the word, or if you had a problem with the rhythm of the sentence. I see romantic misreading as an extension of this. Approaching someone based on a misread signal is equally embarrassing. It's like someone saying "I'm afraid of spiders" and you responding "Hey, would like to get coffee sometime?" 'an embarrassing non sequitur: It doesn't make sense and creates an awkward situation for no reason.

    What I wish to develop is either the confidence not to care about the embarrassment, or, conversely, some way to test the waters before I dive. (I'm not sure if I'm going to get the physics concepts right on this metaphor, but I'll try it anyway.) Like a physicist, I want to be able to send out a small positive test charge (that can seem both interested and innocuous) into the electric field [woman] to see the charge of the field [whether she's attracted to me] and its direction [if she wants me to act on it]. From this I would be able to move without a problem. However, this system is most likely an ideal, and I'm swimming in a fantasy world by just imaging a sure-fire way to know a woman's feelings indirectly.

    The reason for this post is three-fold. I woke up this morning from an epiphany of sorts. Multiple situations, clear as day, came into my mind. Seeing people in the past doing things that I didn't question then, but I can see where they were going now. I screwed up and I know it now. Secondly, I just felt like writing for some reason and this happened to be the thing fresh in my mind. Lastly, I have to admit that I'm thinking of testing some things out on some people down here in Atlanta, but I'm not sure. There's one problem: I don't feel completely or fully invested in any one particular person here. That's not an issue for the experiment of testing the waters, no... but, it is in relation to if the experiment succeeds.

    Obviously, this whole romance thing is very vague to me.

    Mugen 18

    Sometimes, I wonder why random strangers open up to me...

    Do I outwardly appear sympathetic or empathetic to strangers?

    Quatre

    I thought about getting Street Fighter 4 today, but, without parrying, I feel as though the game wouldn't be nearly as interesting. I hear they have a "focus attack system" but that only allows the player to absorb (and heal) one attack and not multiple. Thus, parrying entire super attacks is gone. There will be no more Daigo videos. That's a depressing thought when it was that exact phenomenon that got me into Street Fighter: Third Strike in the first place.

    Meh... Maybe I'll rent it this week.

    Honey & Clover 27

    Six pack achieved!

    Mission Accomplished.

February 11, 2009

  • 2.11/2009

    Death Note 21

    How does one build up confidence? Can it be built up? I think I understand that confidence needs to be either built up by either experience in the area, or by other people. My problem is, when it comes to something such as dating, how does one do that? Confidence mainly comes from putting yourself out there, but, to initiate that requires confidence. Alternatively, speaking to a friend or family member to get confidence helps out so far, unless the person has some inside information that might help. But, even then, I feel like confidence isn't bolstered by successes based around inside information, or non-risk situations: It comes from the ability for one to take rejection and bounce back, and the ability to move into the unknown without a care.

    I remember talking to Beth about this, saying it was strange to me how much confidence I have when it comes to certain things... games, academics, being able to approach random people, or girls I refuse to ask out (whether I'm attracted to them or not)... but, yet, this aspect gives me trouble. She tried consoling me on this, stating that there was nothing to worry about, but this kind of encouragement doesn't help as much anymore. It's along the same lines as parents saying the same thing. It sounds great, but seems a little biased, I guess. Well, either that or my low state of confidence in this area is rejecting the confidence they're trying to place in me.

    I have thoughts in my head of ways to increase confidence, but all of them appear evil. The first, is to ask someone out who I am not necessarily attracted to, but I have a good inclination about how they will respond. However, the problem with is readily apparent: I am not attracted to them, so I am leading them on by making them believe that I am. (This situation could become exacerbated by the person becoming attached.) However, it would build confidence because I am putting myself at a minimal level of risk because I do not exactly know how the person will respond. But, again, this is morally and ethically wrong. I wouldn't appreciate if someone did it to me, so, why would I feel fine doing it to someone else?

    So, I guess one of these days, I'm going to have to follow all of the advice I've gotten from Beth, Torcise, T-Mo and others. I'm going to have to take the plunge. The question remains... How do I adequately prepare myself in a way that is in-tune with my moral and ethical standards? Hmmmm... don't know.

    Confidence is hard to come by though.

    Death Note 45

    My Masters in Public Health program did something akin to "Secret Santa" for Christmas gifts for Valentine's yesterday. They had people either choose a specific name of a fellow student or choose a name out of a hat, and write something nice about the person. I don't know who got my name, but I got a message saying "Cold hands= Warm Heart" and something about becoming a good physician. There is probably no way I'll find out who wrote it, or if the person was male (which is dubious, because that message seems a bit sketchy if it was... but then again, there are some overtly gay men in the program... so, who knows?) or a female. (If the person was female, I feel as though I could possibly deduce who it was... the message seems a bit too personal for someone who doesn't know me, and only a few women at the school know me fairly well.) But the message seemed to stick out to me, even if I ended up losing it by the end of the night.

    Interesting message.

    Keiichi 2

    It's interesting to see how friendships evolve over time. I've recently found that I am able to talk to Beth about racial issues, such as issues in the black community (i.e. Why some black women really hate to see a black man with a white woman.). Before, I'd thought that talking about things like that would be taboo, and that I shouldn't even be talking about racial issues to people outside of the race in the first place. (Oddly enough, though, I have no problem with talking to Russ about racial issues... probably because he brings them up sometimes in the forms of jokes, actual experience, or other things.) Still, it's good to see that my expectations were wrong and that our conversations are becoming more versatile.

    I never expected this.

February 9, 2009

  • 2.9/2009

    Kiba 9

    Went down to California to see Beth from late night February 5th to late night February 8th. It was quite the experience... I might upload the pictures later.

    ...

    Thursday night was spent going to a bar in which one of her roommates was playing. He's in a rock band and plays guitar. Afterwards, we ventured around San Francisco, seeing some green tower (which name I forgot) and the most-winding road in the world on Lumbard Street. After that, we went home, because she had work on Friday.

    ...

    Friday morning and afternoon was rainy, gloomy, and cold. Before I'd arrived, she'd made me a map to wander around the city, noting different places I could visit or eat at. I wandered around a little and picked up some Mexican food, but soon returned to her house to work on my thesis and warm up. After a few hours of that, I spent the next four hours or so learning how to play spades online with Russ. When Beth got off of work, we went out to eat and either see the musical Wicked or the movie Slumdog Millionaire. Wicked was pretty much booked and tickets would've cost us ninety bucks. So, we declined and ended up looking for food. We ate at a Japanese sushi place, had some sake (which wasn't nearly what I expected it to be. Tasted pretty much like regular wine to me.) and left to find the movie. We grabbed a taxi and headed for the theater.

    When we got there, sadly, Slumdog Millionaire wasn't playing. Apparently, there were two movie theatres within a block of each other and we happened to go to the wrong one. Meh. We spent sometime wandering the mall the theater was located in, visiting Borders, and then heading back home.

    ...

    On Saturday morning, we went out to see the town. Much to my surprise, it was actually sunny and relatively warm. The last two days had been colder than Atlanta. Anyway, we saw Alcatraz, the Golden Gate Bridge, a vista of "The Headlands" (where Beth and her roommate Nat used to work), and the richer parts of San Francisco.

    During Saturday afternoon we went down to Chinatown to observe the Chinese New Year Parade. It was interesting, I guess. We also ate dinner down in Chinatown... and I realized that the Chinese food there actually sucked in comparison to Atlanta....Which is sad because I felt as though Chinese food in Durham is far superior to the food in Atlanta.

    ...

    One of the strangest and first experiences I'd ever had was picking up a random stranger at a bar on Saturday night. His name was Will and he was one of the most random people I've ever met. He was around twenty-nine years old, carried a four-to-five hundred dollar camera wherever he went, and had a dorky side. At first I was pretty skeptical about hanging out with a random guy. I mean, he could have been a criminal, or a killer, or a thief, or something else unwanted. However, the longer I talked with this guy, the more I began to realize that he was just as normal as anyone else I knew. He played video games, he used to watch anime, he listened to old school hip-hop, watched some movies, was pretty intelligent (attended Boston College) and seemed to be an all-around good guy.

    He has me questioning whether the world is as corrupt as it is, and if perhaps I'm just a little paranoid of the negative consequences. I would usually be against hanging out with random strangers because of all of the crazy things you see on CNN about kidnappings, murders, rapes, and all kinds of other madness. Seeing or hearing about these things tends to reinforce the notion that there are a lot of crazy people out there. But, having met Will, I wonder if we happened to get lucky, or if people aren't as bad as CNN and the rest of the media make them out to be.

    (One more thing... apparently the pictures he took on his camera will be put up on his site later.)

    ...

    For the first time in my life, I successfully got drunk. Previously, I was unable to accomplish this before because, be it beer or a mixed drink, my body would reject the alcohol I was trying to force down. Anyway, late Saturday night we started drinking at a bar and I tried this one beer that contained a lot of hops. It disgusted me because I could literally taste the hops. Anyway, we invited someone to come with us, leave the bar, and settle at another one across the street. At this bar, called Noc Noc, I was introduced to a drink called a "Snake Bite." It can be made with apple (or cranberry?) cider and is mixed with beer to create something different. For some reason I had no problem drinking this combination. I think it was because it tasted more like a fruit juice than a beer. Anyway, I had about two glasses of this before we got a call about a party nearby and left. By this time I was feeling a little tipsy, but no more tipsy than I'd felt before.

    We got to the party, settled into one of the rooms and Beth made me some mixed drinks. She mixed cranberry juice and volka. After about three cups of this, I was finally drunk, and I have to say that it completely blew my mind. I had so many preconceived notions of what being drunk would be like... and so many fears. My stereotypes of being drunk were that I would not be able to control anything that I said or did and that my thoughts would be running on auto-pilot. Apparently, this wasn't true. I was still able to reason, think, and hold a logical conversation with people about my thesis. The only issue seemed to be that there was lag on when I thought about saying the words and when they actually came out. Also, along with lagged speaking, physical movement seemed a little delayed. I noticed a slight difference between thinking of moving my fingers and actually moving them. Furthermore, I also noticed was that physical sensations of touch seemed delayed. I would tap my thigh with my hand and feel the sensation of the hit a half a second or a whole second later. Lastly, I realized that my vision was a little delayed... my eyes would move but focusing took a few seconds. (In contrast to sobriety, where focusing seems to happen together with eye movment... or so quickly that one doesn't notice a time difference.)

    My greatest fear about drinking was that I would be an angry drunk or an aggressive, fighting drunk. I found out that I'm a happy-go-lucky drunk. From Will, the guy we picked up at the bar, and Nat, one of Beth's many roommates, told me that the type of drunk you are can depend on your mood and the the type of person you are. For example, for one of them, if drinking while upset, it just makes them more upset. The other noticed that people who are aggressive or angry while drunk become aggressive or angry drunks.

    I realized something about myself in the process... the real reason I'd never gotten drunk before with other people was because I didn't truly and completely trust the people I was with. It was something in their smiles at the prospect of getting me drunk. I guess I assumed that they'd take advantage of me in some way shape or form, and derive entertainment from it. (I guess I got this notion from how people wanted to see me drunk over my lifetime, tandem with my assessment of their various personalities.) I believed that some of these people would help me if I were in a bad place, but not until after they got their laughs out. (This isn't meant to reflect poorly on them, well, at least not necessarily... trust is subjective and it could be my misconception of the level of trust which fostered this paranoia.) I also feared that I would do something stupid because I naively believed that I'd lose the majority of control over my own actions. Luckily enough, I was in quite capable hands, as Beth helped me deal with the drinking and the aftermath.

    Yes, I said "aftermath." Beth created two large concoctions of cranberry juice and vodka. I drank them both and finally reached the state of drunkenness that I'd so long desired. At one point, Beth offered me more to drink, but I declined. I was in a perfect state of drunkenness: A perfect balance of control and disorientation. (While drunk, I had some interesting conversations with Will and Beth [about motorcycles, and drinking, and my thesis], and also learned some tricks to tell if people are drunk through their eye movement from Aaron.) Near the end of the party, Will, the random guy who we picked up at the bar, and Aaron, one of Beth's friends, began telling me to drink water in order to avoid a hangover. I did as they said and still felt good. We then left the party and took a taxi ride back to her house. At this point, sitting down became very disorienting. If I sat down, my world shook a little. Anyway, in the house, Beth and I went to the kitchen and I put my head down. She readied a cup of water for me. I drank a little water, but then became skeptical because I could feel a vomit coming. Worrying about a potential hangover, she told me to finish the cup and I could go to sleep. I began drinking, but this time the feeling was much worse: It was coming.

    I vomited a small amount in the kitchen, and then Beth quickly lead me to the bathroom down the hall. I vomited again in the toilet. I remember feeling ashamed and saying "I'm sorry" a multitude of times. After the second vomit, I began to try to clean up the mess I'd made with paper towels and toilet paper. She claimed it wasn't necessary, that she would clean it up, and that it was her fault for being a bad friend and allowing it to happen... but I couldn't get myself to even consider it. It was my fault: I knew it was coming after I took the first drink of water in the house. I should've stopped then. I also shouldn't have drank so much in the first place: I should've tempered it more. As I sat there in a sense of self-pity, Beth came and hugged me. Although I was distressed, everything seemed to calm down. That gesture was what I needed to feel that it was okay, and perhaps that the situation wasn't as serious as I believed it to be in my head.

    When I woke up the next day I saw there was a glass of water and a bucket, just in case I had another episode or a hangover. Luckily I didn't need either, but I'm appreciative that she thought that much ahead. In my mind, everything fell into place. I took a shower, and headed to Walgreens for carpet cleaning supplies and detergent to wash my things. I got the stuff, came back and quickly and quietly began to clean the small remnants of the mess I'd made the night before.

    ...

    Over the course of this trip I was able to talk to her about all kinds of things. The most important information pertained to relationships. She told me that you can usually tell when a girl is single because she doesn't mention her boyfriend. Most who are in a relationship flaunt it, or drop names.

    One thing we talked about a lot was confidence in the initial stages of dating. It takes a lot of emotional investment to ask someone out and be able to deal with the consequences whether they're good or bad. Beth's perspective was this: She believed that I was afraid of a relationship, not because I was afraid of rejection per se, but because I wouldn't know where to take the relationship if the best case scenario occurred... if the girl in question said "Sure." I doubted the reasoning at first, but I'm starting to re-think it, because many times the outside perspective is more clear than the view from the inside. Right now I'm trying to understand how she reached that conclusion... what evidence was used to reach that end and seeing if it is more valid than I credit it.

    ...

    In the end, I realized that I have a very good friend in Beth. I realized that I can trust her even more than even I knew. (This entire idea is strange to me... How could I not see this before? I might have to come back to this idea later.) Actually, I think she's a better friend than even she knows.

    She's a good kid, and I'm glad she's a friend of mine.

    Ed 17

    On Friday morning, between writing some of my thesis and Beth being at work, Russ and I decided to learn how to play Spades on Yahoo. We started off cheating by talking on Skype and AIM while we talk, but we still would lose because we didn't understand the idea of bags, not making our bids, and setting the other team.

    Still fun, though.

February 3, 2009

  • 2.3/2009

    Fruits Basket 15

    This is one of the larger differences I've seen between majority (predominantly white institutions) and minority (predominantly black institutions)... black people get into your business. This isn't necessarily a bad thing per se, it's just an interesting aspect of the culture. At Duke, from my experience, students saw classes like a job. It was purely business. In some classes, like seminar classes, people would talk, but the conversations never got intimate or very personal. At Morehouse School of Medicine, I feel as though students have less problems talking about other people's personal lives... even if that person is sitting in the room with them.

    Today, I started discussion before class about random topics (politics, research ethics, identity, etc.), but, for some reason or another, I became the topic of conversation. Two women my age, ages twenty-three and twenty-four respectively, began asking personal questions about my previous relationship and the reason why I don't initiate physical contact in the form of hugs. I know the first one fairly well. We've talked about life, being "black," relationships, and other things. She was upset because "[I] treat [her] like a half-sister." My response to this was, jokingly, "We're not even family!" Clearly this didn't help the situation.

    The second one, Alicia, seemed the most interested. I think this was partially due to the fact that I'd already talked to the other one about my life, and she seemed jealous that I talked to a fair amount of people, but not her. The other reason I assume she was more interested was because she was trying to assess who I am... perhaps she's interested herself. The reason I assume this is because I've been noticing a few changes in her behavior. She seems to pay more attention to when I walk into rooms. She has started sitting next to me, even though I haven't really talked to her. In the class we have, she began small talk, telling me personal things about her, and other small things. She just seems like she's trying to edge closer.

    ...

    Tangent:

    One thing I will have to come back to discuss is the need for some women to have physical signs of affection regardless of the nature of the relationship... be it friendship or something else. I've never understood why they see that there is something inherently wrong with not having that kind of affection.

    ...

    I think this was the icing on the cake. Her enthusiasm for wanting to know how my last relationship went, and why I am not touchy-feely seemed odd to say the least. I mean, why would you care to know the specifics of someone's relationship? (i.e. How it ended. If we were still friends.) About touchy-feelyness, she went so far as to say that she would start hugging me just to annoy me. (Who does that?) All of this becomes stranger when understood that this was made into a public conversation, not a private one.

    What is it with girls with A-letter names?

    Kiba 8

    Two more days left until I leave for California.

    Good stuff.

January 30, 2009

  • 1.30/2009

    Boondocks 7

    Robert Downey Jr. is being nominated for an Oscar for best supporting actor for his role in Tropic Thunder. Does anyone else get the complete irony of that situation? He's in a movie, spoofing Hollywood and its conception of race, playing a white man who acts as an African American man, and now, the real actor Downey Jr. is up for a nomination? Now that's comedy.

    Lastly... you can't be serious. An Oscar nomination? I mean, it was definitely entertaining... and sometimes very realistic (i.e. The Jefferson's theme scene), but I mean, seriously, outside the satiric nature of the film, how is this any different from blackface? How is this any different from a white man donning cork on his face, and mocking black masculinity?

    Strange...

January 27, 2009

  • 1.27/2009

    Ed 14

    I've been recently thinking about the whole "emotional cheating" concept, and, if I define it as "seeking qualities in other people that your girlfriend lacks" I feel as though I have "emotionally cheated" on a vast number of occasions. There have a been a plethora of occasions in which I purposely called other people to talk about an issue first, and not my girlfriend. However, I don't believe in emotional cheating, at least by this definition, and this is why: I don't think any one person can fulfill all of anyone's needs, no two people are perfectly compatible.

    Therefore, I believe that people will never be able to run to one person for all things, at least not immediately. For example, if I had a girlfriend who didn't like video games, or my taste in movies, I would talk to someone, male or female, who did share those same interests. If I had a girlfriend who had no interest in philosophy or talking about hypothetical situations, or talking about the life, then I would go elsewhere for that kind of conversation as well. This isn't to say that I wouldn't care for my girlfriend, but just that there are things I know she isn't interested in, and that I have friends or family to fill those gaps. The same thing should apply to her. I know I don't read novels, and if I happened to meet someone who loved reading fiction, I would not expect her to rely on me for that type of conversation because I would be inept at maintaining it.

    Here's another example: I have some friends which I have fascinating conversations with and they're generally interesting people. But, for some, I couldn't play video games with because they're more outdoors-oriented or anti-games. Conversely, I wouldn't ask another to go work out with me at the gym because I know the person is anti-exercise or more of a home-body. Heck, I know there are certain things that I cannot talk to my own mother about: In situations in which I feel wronged and irate, I realize that she will tell me "It could always be worse." That may be true, but I don't want to hear that when I've been hosed by life and I'm pissed. I don't think anyone does.

    What I'd like to hear in that situation is empathy: "That sucks," "I'm sorry to hear that" or "It'll be okay." Instead of talking to my mom first, I'd talk to her once I've calmed down. Same thing goes for my sister. She's fun to be around, and is a good person, but is usually absolutely terrible when it comes to being empathetic. I've learned to go to my dad, Chris or specific friends for that kind of support.

    I just thought of this, and it may not be completely accurate, but, I think this whole no-one-person-being-a-perfect-fit idea is why I think their are levels of priorities among friends. People who have the highest priority are people I've known for the longest, people who know me best, and people who I can connect with on multiple different levels. Although I can't connect with them on everything, there is relatively little that I wouldn't be able to talk to them about. These are the relationships that I would like to preserve at all costs. People who are on the lower end of the spectrum are people who are fun to be around, but limited in the scope of what kinds of things we can connect on. I can have known these people for days or years. For example, I could spend years with a person and not be able to rely on that person much for different types of support.

    Anyway... in conclusion, no one person can satisfy all of one's needs. That's why people can be attracted to different kinds of people. Each person brings something different to the table. The same goes for a relationship. A significant other will never be able to satisfy in all respects. Some things may need to be accessed elsewhere within other people. However, this does not imply cheating. It is simply a person not being able to share parts of themselves with their partner. It is simply the gaps in their compatibility. It shouldn't be cause for alarm because it is natural for people to have differences in both interest and belief.

    One person cannot be everything for someone.

    Sasuke 10

    Although I'm not back into reading the Naruto series, and may never be, a friend of mine sent me a link to the Sasuke-Itachi fight. I'd assumed Itachi was good from the moment I heard Sasuke's story back in the beginning of Naruto. It just seemed too black and white: It seemed entirely too easy to label Itachi as a cold-blooded killer who just wanted to demonstrate and increase his own power. Although my tortured-villain expectations were met, I didn't expect that kind of ending. Man, was that depressing. Even worse is the fact that Sasuke has become manipulated by Madara, so the majority of Itachi's work both in his life pretending to be a villain and in his death was in vain.

    Sad times for Sasuke.

January 24, 2009

  • 1.24/2009

    Shigure 2

    Twelve days...

    Good times ahead.

    Blue 3

    "Would you sacrifice your life right now, in this moment, in order to extend the life of your sibling?"

    I was talking to a friend of mine on Xbox Live a few days ago and he posed this question. It's probably one of the best hypotheticals I've heard in a while. I thought about it for a minute and I replied "No." The reason I answered "No" was because I would like to have time to be able to communicate my decision to people, as well as get out some last words before I'd go. I think I'd need a handful of hours, at the least, in order to do that. Therefore, I would not want to die in this moment, because it would look like a suicide and potentially do more damage than a regular accidental or biological death. I think this was the best answer, but I might have to continue thinking on it.

    Hmmmm...

January 22, 2009

  • 1.22/2009

    Nauta 8

    Me: [looking at a strange new smoothie king cup] "Is that a new cup?"
    Smoothie King Girl: "[smiling] It's because you're so cute."

    How do you react to that?

    Death Note 6

    I have quite a lot of work to do on my thesis: I need IRB approval, I need to find the next two thesis committee members, I need to have them sign off on my thesis, I need to find the source of the history of alcohol taxation in Georgia, and lastly, I need to continue writing the rest of my thesis. Although the scope of all of this work seems daunting, currently, I am at peace. I realize that the work can be done, and if I get one piece (the history of alcohol taxation in Georgia) most other things should fall into place.

    There's much work to be done.

    Death Note 33

    Friendship is strange to me, because there is no set friendship rules. By rules, I want to reference the amount of communication. I mean, for most people, I don't call them or initiate a conversation unless I have something I want to talk about, something I need their opinion on. Additionally, for me this is also complicated by one of my assumptions of other people's lives: I assume that people who are working or in school are busy and don't have much time to talk anyway . This gap between communication could last months. The strange thing is that all of this depends on the person. I am willing to adapt to each person. For example, Russ calls me often, and, as a consequence I have been conditioned to understand it is okay to call him on a whim. It's strange to me that Russ and I talk nearly everyday, whereas people like Antwone, T-Mo, Torcise, Huie, and Beth talk once a month or every few months or so. It's odd to think about this in retrospect. I'm not sure if these people would want to talk more or not, but I assume they are fine with the way things are.

    Question: Is it selfish for me to only call when I feel like talking? Or when I feel like catching up? Is that wrong? (Tangent: Should these things be scheduled? I feel as though scheduling these things completely removes the feeling of the conversation. I think by rigidly scheduling conversation, things become forced and rote quickly.) I'm not sure. I believe that friendships in themselves contain a lot of selfish qualities which many people do not recognize as selfish. This is one of them. My calling someone, in itself, is a selfish request. It does not take into account the possibility of the busyness of their life, and or their lack of wanting to talk. It is simply my desire to talk to them, my desire to engage in conversation. It's like going down to see someone without their permission. It's full of good intentions, however, it is utterly selfish. It could interrupt their life, because they might feel obligated to spend time with you even though they realistically don't have the time to do so.

    In the end, friendships are different because people are different. Different people inherently require different needs out of their friendships. Some people require more communication from their friends than do others. Some people require more physical contact (hugging, kissing, pats on the back, touching, etc.) from their friends than do others. Some friends require proximity more than others. Everything depends on the person and their specific desires. This reminds me of another idea... it's odd when people get jealous of how their friendship differs from another friendship. The nature of my friendship with one person is different from another not necessarily because I value one person more, but perhaps because that is how their needs have influenced how we interact. Additionally, if that person is jealous, they can change the nature of the friendship by calling more often, being more physical, joking around more, or being more serious. I will be more serious with a serious friend, more joking with a joking friend, more physical with a physical friend (up to a certain point)... the list goes on.

    Strange how there are no explicit rules though.