12.30/2008

I finally switched over to the new Xanga system. I didn't before because it was confusing and I could never find the things that I needed very easily. (I assume that I will need to learn the HTML equivalents for some of these things.) Anyway, Xanga forced my hand because it's removing the old system sometime in early or mid-January. So, I decided to give myself a head-start on the change.

I'm a creature of habit.

Yesterday, I called Antwone and we began to talk first about politics and then about personal responsibility versus the environment one is raised in. His belief is that personal responsibility is what makes people good or evil, smart or stupid, and defines their interests. For example, he used me in relation to video games to state that even though I was exposed to video games (and to many other of my interests) only certain things of the variety peaked my interest. It was something innate within myself that chose video games, or chose anime, or chose to learn how to draw, or chose Spanish over French in high school. His perspective is very much in line with Booker T. Washington's philosophy: Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

I believe the opposite. I believe that the environment has a larger pull over people. The environment, in this definition, is basically everything that surrounds the person socially and physically. This includes family, friends, community members, the specific community structure and values, family values, etc. I feel that a person has a very small choice in the forming of their life outside of these influences. For example, in my family, it is expected that we do well in school. It was expected that we go to college. It is expected that we follow Judeo-Christian models of ethics and morals. All of this has shaped me as a person. I falter sometimes due to my own personal choice, but those falterings are nothing in comparison to how much I have already adapted to it.

Video games, to use his example can work similarly. I assume the draw for video games, for me, stems from two main aspects: First is the dopamine factor, the second is the cooperation factor. By dopamine, I am referring to reward-seeking behavior in context to video games. Many, if not all games, are made around the aspect of rewarding the player for his or her accomplishments. In action games, the player may be rewarded with new abilities or powers. In RPGs, the player may be rewarded with new levels, characters, and power as they progress through the game. I believe that this could be environmental, at least in context to myself, because my parents used a kind of reward system (the carrot and the stick model) to motivate us to do well academically. They would pay us for grades. (There would be more money associated with higher grades [i.e. A's] than lower grades [i.e B's]. Grades lower than these ranges would not be paid for.) Who is to say that I didn't attain this love of reward from my parents? Who is to say that it is not innate rather than learned? The second aspect is about cooperation. I love cooperation in games and in life. However, I could argue that aspect isn't innate either. It may have come from my family structure: It may have come from nights of playing board games with my family, or playing cooperatively with my brother as a kid.

I believe that people are large products of their environment. However, I do admit that there are some people who are able to either take control of their environment or escape the influences of their environment. There are people who have gotten away from neighborhoods rife with gang activity, or friends who are selling or consuming drugs. I believe that the main differences between these people and the ones that succumb to their environment is that they have a better internal environment (family structure, parental influence, instilled family values, etc.) than the others. Conversely, a child that is able to escape the influences of an abusive household and not become an abuser himself or herself is a situation in which either the internal (perhaps the person being abused and their value system) or the external (friends, family of friends, teachers, etc.) environment had an influence.

I guess my main point is that I believe that people's interests and their values are directly derived from their internal (family, family values, etc.) or external (friends, teachers, community, external values, etc.) environment. However, all of this is arguable since we cannot concretely figure out where the truth may lie.

Interesting conversation.

I received The Dark Knight as a Christmas gift from Beth, although I already have it. I sat and flip-flopped over what I should do with it, but I think I realized what to do. I'm just going to give the other version to someone and keep hers.

A simple solution.

One thing I find hilarious is how quickly my dad has taken to this chess game I bought him on the Xbox Live Arcade. Back in the day, I remember him not being able to understand how I could be mentally absorbed by games... but now he seems to play this game every night. I will sit and watch him play the computer, reacting to it as if it is a person, and tell me how he wants to get his rank up. The best part: He hasn't even gone online yet. He's just playing the AI. I think I might set the game up on the other Xbox so he can play while I'm in Atlanta.

Video games appeal to everyone.

12.28/2008

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a while.

Started off talking to Antwone. I hadn't heard from him in a while, but everything still seemed to fall together. We talked about work, school, applications, academic competition for graduate schools, life, children, and marriage. Much like a good game, I love a good conversation. I thrive off of it, and I can't explain why. Maybe it's because I have so many things that I'm unsure about, and talking to people and working through things constructively seems to ease my psyche. I don't know. Anyway, I had to leave the conversation in order to pick up Beth at her house.

 I met Beth at her house around ten in the morning in order to start our day of hanging out. I gave her the Christmas gift that I ordered online, Blue Planet, and we began driving down to the City Museum. The City Museum is a children's museum. It's a place with all kinds of interactive stuff, caves to crawl through, stuff to climb on, and many different things to see and do. At first, seeing the kids crawl through the caves, we were a bit reserved. In the end, the impulses took over and we ended up exploring the synthetic caves as if we were both half our age. I still have some of the scratches and nicks from trying to fit through those small spaces. (I guess part of the reason we gave in to our desires to explore was due to the fact that some parents were exploring the caves with their kids and they were as big as, if not bigger than, us.) We traversed the entire facility, going through every nook and cranny (well, at least the one's we could practically fit through), and then left for The Loop and food.

We never made it to The Loop: We got lost. Instead, we ended up going to grab something to eat by her house. By this time, it was pouring rain. We drove to Smoothie King, grabbed some drinks, and then walked down in the rain to McCalister's Deli for food. We sat there for a good hour eating and talking about relationships and the environment. We talked about how much damage people are doing to the environment, alternative fuel sources, if the current environmental conditions might be reversible, finding someone, jealousy, close friends of relationship partners who are of the opposite sex, and trust.

Around three o'clock, I returned Beth to her house, and headed back home. I relaxed for a little, then went out with the parents for dinner. Afterwards, Chris, Jenn, Ayana and I drove down to our grandparent's house for cards. We intended to only be there for forty-five minutes playing cards, but, consequently, winning and losing kept us there for over two hours. Near the end, I got a call from Beth telling reminding me about a small reunion of her Whitfield friends at a bar.

Around nine o'clock at night, I ended up meeting Beth, Sallie, some of their friends, and some random people from high school at a bar in St. Louis called John P Fields. It felt good to be able to catch up and reconnect. It's great to see that although their lives have drastically changed since high school, or since we last spoke, that our personal interactions are pretty much the same or better than they used to be. I found out that Sallie was halfway through law school and that it wasn't nearly as objective as I'd imagined. Conversely, law school, she told me, was very subjective. You could know all of the information regarding the law, court cases and precedents, but still get screwed on the test because you didn't spin the information the way the teacher wanted. Funny. Anyway, I left the bar with Beth and promised her I'd come to see her sometime soon in California.

On my way back home, I resumed talking with Antwone about life.

Good friends, good times.

12.26/2008

I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Christmas evening, and I'm a bit confused about how I feel about it. I knew it would be great, but quantifying its relative greatness is difficult. It is hard to compare Button to Shawshank, or Button to American Beauty, or Button to The Prestige. I guess this is because the movie was less of a story and more of a philosophical enlightenment taking the form of images on the screen. Its message revolved around age, experience, and appreciating the present.

What I liked most, and I say this sappily, was it's love story in context to the plot. It took both people to find themseleves and to come to the realization that they did love each other. It was also interesting to see both characters act completely insensitive to each other, despite knowing how they felt about the other person: A visual contradiction.

Nothing lasts forver. 

When is the truth appropriate? There are certain types of lies that are committed in order to make the person happy. One recent example is this: If someone gives you a gift that you already have, do you lie to them or tell them the truth? By lying to them, you are making them happy by allowing them to believe that they accomplished something when, in reality, they didn't: By allowing them to believe that they found something that you wanted which you didn't have. By telling them the truth, you are upsetting them (perhaps temporarily or for the long term), but remaining honest with them.

My first impulse given this situation is to lie. This instinct comes from the idea that, although most people "want to hear the truth," they are never truly prepared for how ugly or brutal it may be. The second problem I have with this is the idea of having to lie to good friends. I feel as though people who are friends (or significant others), especially those who have known each other for years, should be able to tell each other things honestly. If anyone should be told the truth, it should be these people. Then again, suppose you consistently get gifts which you already have and you consistently tell the truth. As a result, the person could give up, thinking that no matter what they do, there is nothing good enough to get you (or that you have everything).

It's strange to me that sometimes even the simplest things, such as gift giving or receiving, can become complex at times. I guess this is because in situations involving people close to you, you need to take the other person's feelings into consideration perhaps more than your own.

Reality is strange.

"It's the thought that matters." I once thought that saying was complete and utter crap. Now, I hold it to be true. What happened?

I am spoiled, and I realize this. As a kid I had nearly wanted for nothing. Nearly everything I've possibly desired was given to me. Ironically, it is because of this lifestyle that I believe that I have come to accept that mantra. There are a multitude of reasons for this: It could be because I understand myself as privileged and I understand that not everyone would be able to give on the same monetary level as I could, and it would be unfair to hold everyone to that level of expectation. It could be that because everything material that I want is given to me that I crave something more...something intangible. Perhaps it is because I have come to realize that the love of another person outweighs material gifts.

It's all about the feeling behind the gift. The effort, not the material.

12.22/2008

Another great conversation as a result of another visit from T-Mo.

Good times indeed.

12.20/2008

Three words... early Christmas presents. I got an HD tv as a gift, and I'm loving it. It's crazy to me how good games are looking now. The amount of detail is incredible. At the moment, I'm starting to replay some games in order to see the difference between standard definition, component, and high definition.  For example, in the new Prince of Persia game I found out that you can see the threads of cloth that make up Elika's costume. In other games, such as in Eternal Sonata, individual strands of hair can be seen.

Seeing is believing.

12.10/2008

Sometimes it surprises me how quickly life can move. I talked to Torcise earlier this week and he told me that he was getting married sometime this upcoming summer. I can't believe it... I remember talking to him earlier about it, but I never thought it would be this soon. Anyway, he told me he would let me know when the exact date and place was so that I could come down and see it for myself. Should be interesting to see how he's changed, and who this woman in his life, soon to be his wife, is all about.

I'm happy for him.

At first I wasn't too happy with the Blackberry Storm. Although I got it at a really cheap price (ninety-nine dollars), its interface seemed a bit too complicated. Initially, I felt as though text-messaging was a pain. I remember being able to text-message people blind, while driving a car, and I was a little pissed that I actually had to concentrate to text again. However, with time, I'm becoming much quicker with typing and the Blackberry seems to be giving a far greater return on investment than I'd originally thought.

I should've had one of these things at Duke. It just makes life simpler: Checking email now is less of a chore and more of a convenience like instant messaging or text messaging. I no longer have to sign into a computer to check and send emails, nor do I have to use a computer to view powerpoint messages, word documents and other things. It's pretty sweet.

Greatest hand-held device...ever.

Mom has been asking me about Christmas presents this year, and I think I've found exactly what I want. I want two (possibly three), round-trip airline tickets. I want to use the first ticket to visit Beth in California, since she asked me to come down and visit her... and I want to use the second to travel to Torcise's wedding (given nothing extreme prevents me from attending). I want to see Beth in California because she put forth money and time to come visit me in Atlanta, and I'm extremely grateful for it. Additionally, since I haven't really been to California (besides to visit Disney Land as a kid) I would like to see what the hype is all about and see first-hand what her life is like. I wish to use the second ticket to see Torcise's wedding because I understand that it will be a huge day in his life. (The third potential ticket would be to bring Beth along to Torcise's wedding [given she can and wants to go] because I figure that I've told both parties about each other and it would be interesting to see them meet.)

Simple, yet great gifts.

Two things...

I find it interesting that my musings about the connection between nostalgia and depression weren't too far off. In an article at CNN, I found that scientists are beginning to understand the dual nature of the potential effects of nostalgia on different people. On some people, it makes them feel closer to their friends or the people they know. For others apparently it makes them feel more distanced. Strange.

Secondly, I find it strange that I'm becoming an older brother to my friend Manzy. He constantly asks for my advice concerning women. (Which is strange to me, because he does this despite the knowledge that I have only had one girlfriend and that the relationship ended horribly. Oddly enough, I'm finding that certain things are more similar than different, and that my experiences, on average, are able to be transferred to Manzy.) Recently he has also been coming over because we started a bowling rivalry and he learned how to play chess.  It's a good, but strange feeling indeed: Is this what Chris felt being my older brother?

Hmmmm...

12.1/2008

Finished watching a new anime series called Code Geass as a request by someone I know on Xbox Live. It is made of two seasons and has many different parallels to Death Note, except its foundation lies in politics, colonization, freedom from corruption, and national liberation instead of moral relativity. The first season is so-so, but the second season is phenomenal. It literally stole my idea for the ending of an anime. I can't be jealous, because it is done so well... so ridiculously well that it evokes so many contrasting emotions and themes: Happiness and sadness, creation and destruction, and death and rebirth. The main character is a complete bastard, by every meaning of the word towards the end of the series. In the beginning he was determined to change the political structure, seeing how corrupt it was. In the end, he models this behavior to an extreme. He essentially becomes a tyrant in order to focus hatred on himself (thus uniting all countries against him), then he effectively removes that hatred via planning his own assassination. He realizes that he, himself, used evil means to achieve his goal, and for that, he (and his kind who would manipulate others for their own gain, or use people as pieces in a national game of chess) was not fit for the world he created.

I might have to buy this off of ebay when it comes out in the U.S.

11.16/2008

Is nostalgia a sign of depression? I guess I've been thinking about it because I don't understand the purpose of nostalgia in reference to human survival or being human. What is the point of it, other than to depress people? What is the point of it other than to remind human beings of something they will never be able to regain? This past week and a half I've been hunched over, in a sullen state, dwelling on photographs of my past. Is nostalgia supposed to be good? If so, what are its benefits? At the moment I can't see them.

Why am I nostalgic over something still here?

11.8/2008

I went and picked up Gears of War 2 at its midnight release on the seventh, and this game is phenomenal. Although I feel like the shotgun has been nerfed, the co-op has been improved (length-wise, computer-AI-wise, and in relation to the content), multiplayer has been augmented with the abilities to use downed opponents as "meatshields," pick up shields and use them to defend yourselves, have chainsaw duels, and a Halo-esque matchmaking system.

The best part of this sequel, by far, has to be Horde mode. This is a five player co-op mode against waves-upon-waves of computer AI opponents. Each wave gets progressively harder until it reaches the next wave after each 10th. (For example, it gets a little easier going from wave ten to wave eleven. This is because the enemy waves start over from scratch, but are more powerful, take more damage before dying, and are more accurate.) Horde mode is all about team play: It involves setting up a part of the map as a base and knowing the offense-defense tactical dynamics of the match. It's like a Gears puzzle of sorts. I've already beaten the last wave of this, but it still keeps me coming back because the amount of real-time teamwork required is astounding.

There's nothing quite like Gears co-op.

For some reason, I felt like reading over my old, physical journal from high school. Man, one thing I can comment on, in an entirely good sense, is the fact that my writing has vastly improved. Additionally, it's interesting to see how my mentality has changed about people over time. Some people I once detested have become good friends of mine, and some good friends of mine and I have parted ways due to distance or growing apart when I didn't believe such a thing was possible. Another thing which I found interesting, in retrospect, was how many opportunities I missed out on due to ignorance (i.e a lack of understanding different ways that people reach out or not keeping in touch with certain people). It's kind of a shame.

I wonder if I'll feel the same way about this journal in a few more years...

11.5/2008

Barack Obama has won the 2008 presidential election. Wow. Although I heard and saw the information, it took a while to sink in last night. As CNN's electoral vote predictions rose above 270, people began to call and celebrate. I didn't want to get my hopes up, since CNN was working off of small percentage of votes in many areas, so I wanted to wait to make sure that he won. It wasn't until then that I got a message from Beth saying that McCain was conceding that the reality hit. To watch McCain's concession and Barack's subsequent winning speech was powerful to say the least. Although I'd come to expect Obama to win, it was something different all together to see that reality happen.

Again, perhaps America isn't as racist as I think it is. Maybe this is largely due to the younger generations. Perhaps these generations, of all racial background, aren't holding onto their parents' and grandparents' racial ideologies and prejudices. Maybe they're able to see other races without tainted history? Perhaps now any individual, regardless of race, can accomplish anything here in the United States?

Yes We Can!