11.2/2008

I woke up today with such an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. I had to sign on facebook and download some pictures from my photo album. I can't remember feeling this nostalgic in a while.

Albeit sad, it feels kind of good.

10.30/2008

Had a weird dream this morning. Saw some people from way back and didn't quite understand why they were there.

Strange.

Sadly, I got bored last weekend and saw the latest SAW installment. The problem with the SAW series is that it lost its edge once Jigsaw became one of the villains. The point of SAW was to put people in situations in which people would have to fight for their lives and they appreciate life better after it was over. The point of SAW wasn't to kill people, but, in some sick way, enlighten them. SAWs two through five appeared to be just excuses for mindless killing via murdering people for "not following the rules." Anyway, besides the lack of an ulterior motive, I realized a major flaw in the film that relates to engineering.

How the hell would Jigsaw and his related killers set up these traps? In order to pull some elaborate scenarios like these, someone would have to have extensive knowledge of physics, electrical engineering, and mechanical engineering. In addition to this knowledge, one would have to have a ridiculously long amount of time to put all of it together alone and test it out. So, the fact that Jigsaw and friends (of dubious higher educational background...cop, drug addict, etc.) can murder multiple people with different scenarios doesn't make too much sense.

SAW doesn't make much sense.

This is going to be a great weekend for games. I bought Fallout 3 on Tuesday and it's pretty much Oblivion with guns. It has hooked me because of its amount of exploration, depth in strategy, and unique gameplay mechanics. Right now I'm trying to make a character that specializes in guns (there are melee weapons as well), lockpicking, and repairs (so that I can fix my guns when they start to jam on me). Then, with my Halo tactical skills, I feel like I'll be able to run through the game without too many problems.

The main difference I've found between this game an Oblivion is the fact that the max level is 20. I hear this is because Bethesda wanted to make players use strategy. Grinding removes strategy... and I guess I can understand that. I mean, how many times have I sat grinding in RPGs in order to kick the living crap out of a boss or destroy the rest of the game? Answer: A lot.  Anywho... I guess I'll be playing this for a while.

Maybe I'll send Cliff a copy.

I had an event for my internship at a church and some guys around my age got me to start reading The Bible after some religious questioning.

Interesting.

10.22/2008

I randomly got caught in a conversation with a guy, named Tony, who lives in my apartment complex less than an hour ago. I was taking out my trash and he called out to me. I don't understand why he spoke to me specifically, but for some reason he had to tell someone his theories on the political nature of life, and the economic control of money and employment. (I may have to elaborate on this later.) Although it was interesting to hear his perspective on these things (and some of it will require some more thought on my part to understand its significance), I feel like the most important information for me was his advice for choosing a woman to date seriously or "choosing a wife."

Tony told me that there are three types of women: Ones who appeal to men physically, ones that appeal to men socially (or emotionally), and lastly those who are wife-material or marriage-worthy. The first category is worthless. They're superficial desires and should be ignored. The second and the third are the more important types. The second is significant because these women can become the third type. The third type is self-explanatory. Anyway, he said when I'm faced with the third type (or a second who became a third) to ask myself, "Would [I] want her to be [my] mother?" "Why?" I asked. Tony told me that this is because it is a way to understand how they might treat your children. If they would be good to them, and raise them well. Or, would the person be a horrible influence? Is the person not fit to be your mother? If they're not fit to be your mother, why then would they be fit to be the mother of your children?

He also made a comparison between women and flowers. I can't remember his words verbatim, but he said something to the effect that one is chosen to be "cared for," whereas the others are meant to be "appreciated." "What if you have feelings for two women simultaneously?" I asked. "Your heart will tell you." "But what if your heart tells you nothing?" I asked. "Maybe they're meant to be appreciated." He said.

I see... Hmmmm.

10.19/2008

Just finished reading Watchmen yesterday. God, it was great. Any work of fiction that is able to hit you with hard-hitting questions and have you debating what was the moral and ethical "right answer" should be considered art. This graphic novel resonated with me on a very high level: I could understand why many characters did what they did, and in some sense could agree with what they did, even if their actions seemed wrong in a traditional sense. The character that resonated with me the most had to have been Rorschach. He was a human being who was motivated to become a costumed hero because of the harsh injustices he saw. He was a Ramza-esque character who viewed justice in terms of black and white. If you committed crimes, you were evil: "Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of armageddon I shall not compromise in this." A perfect ending achieved by highly unethical means is still evil in his mind.

My second favorite character has to be Veidt. He is essentially the perfect character. He's insanely intelligent, eloquent, athletic, rich, etc. He became a costumed hero for the same reasons Rorschach did, to reduce and eliminate evil and crime. However, he and Rorschach diverge at this point. Veidt comes to see being a costumed hero as ineffective, and this leads him to retire and change his ways. All of this leads to the controversial end of the novel.

One thing that scares me is the prospect of the Watchmen movie that is coming out. I don't think that there is any possible way for a director to capture all of the depth of character, all of the backstory, and all of the metafiction. I mean, seeing all of this brought to life will be awesome. I've been drooling over the trailer ever since I saw it. (Dr. Manhatten, the blue guy, seems amazingly well-done. The others seem a little odd. I especially think they should have chosen a different actor and costume for Veidt, but thats just me.) But, story-wise I feel like its going to be mediocre... unless of course the movie is three hours long or so. I mean... there is an insane amount of backstory to the main characters and the characters that preceeded them.

Watchmen as a comic... greatness. As a movie... I have my doubts.

How do you tell the difference between liking someone and infatuation? I've been struggling with that recently. I guess the main thing I'm struggling with is the continuity of liking someone. My romantic interests, at least currently, seem to wax and wane over time. I'll be attracted to some people, but then there will be moments without that attraction. Should liking someone really be this way? This blurry? Or should romantic interests be more clear cut in the sense that I am fully conscious of the reasons I like the person and my other romantic motivations?

Love is confusing.

10.12/2008

I've recently been having some strange dreams lately. They're not exactly depressing, but not exactly happy either. I don't know how to describe them in any other way, besides "random." It's strange seeing faces of people I don't really talk to anymore, or seeing images that I can't understand.

Why cant I understand my own dreams?

As recently as this year, I've started paying a vast amount of attention to politics. Perhaps it is because of the stark differences between Barack Obama and John McCain. Perhaps it is because I realize that I'm getting older and the fact that some of these issues will affect me. Anyway, I want to talk about the issue of choosing a candidate and the idea of race or physical appearance in the political race. I both know and have met people who are unsure about Barack Obama due to their own ignorance.

Everyday, I see many people cite the reasons for not voting for Obama as being "He's Muslim." It depresses me how much of a popularity contest this presidential race is... how little some voters know about the candidates. If any of these people had turned on a television, a radio, or a computer connected to the internet, or read a newspaper, they would understand that his religious base (Christianity) is no different from that of McCain. It's crazy how people can't understand that this is racial... especially when you consider the violent threats going on at McCain rallies. People have been recorded saying things such as "Kill him." Is that really supposed to be going on at a political rally? Furthermore, how can anyone convincingly say that those kinds of threats aren't racially motivated? Were threats like that aimed at Bill Clinton or John Kerry during their opponents' rallies? I doubt it. This race has changed things because race is inherently involved: Our next president could be black.

Believe it or not, race matters.

One thing that this presidential campaign has brought to my attention is my perception of the overall United States. "Is it not as racist as I think it is?" This question seems to be on my mind daily. "Could Americans really elect a black president? Or is this some kind of ruse?" In my mind, Americans, generally speaking of course, are ridiculously racist (whether they are conscious of this fact or not). In my mind, these people would never vote for a black president. Perhaps people are stating that they're going to vote for Obama because it is the politically-correct, hip thing to do. (Maybe they feel like they'll be perceived as racist if they don't say that they will vote for him.)  However,  when they are alone in the voting booth, they'll vote oppositely. I don't know. I guess I won't know this answer until November 4th arrives.

There's still the possibility of a Bradley effect.

9.22/2008

Went home to St. Louis last weekend, volunteered at the St. Louis Obama headquarters, talked with Mom and Dad, played Rock Band 2 with Bean, and visited Beth. Although I got very little work done, I feel like the trip was completely worthwhile.

I feel refreshed.

Mom is not feeling too well again, although she doesn't outwardly show it. For some reason, I'm not too worried. Perhaps its because she doesn't seem worried. Perhaps it's because I feel like everything will work out in the end.

I don't know.

My religion and spirituality class down at Morehouse School of Medicine has got me thinking about the connection between one's internal locus of control and level of faith. As far as my experience goes, and the collective experience of all of the other people in the class, it appears that their is an inverse relationship between one's belief in their control over their life (a high internal locus of control) and religion or spirituality. People who believe that they can craft their destiny with their own hands, on average, believe more in themselves and their own power than the actions of a supreme being. On the other hand, people who believe that their lives are outside their control (have a low internal locus of control or a high external locus of control), are generally people who are more religious or spiritual. They tend to believe that their are things outside themselves which influence the course of their lives.

I definitely know where I fall in reference to this theory.

9.18/2008

"Who was that girl you were walking with?"

Completely unfounded jealousy is hilarious to me. That was the first thing the woman said to me as I walked into Subway yesterday. It wasn't "Hello," it wasn't "Hey," it was "Who was that girl you were walking with?" "Which girl?" I responded. Her face contorted. "It could have been my sister." I said. "She wasn't black," she responded. It's funny that someone who I'm not in a relationship with, someone whose name I don't even know, can become jealous seeing me with another girl. It especially becomes interesting because the girl who became jealous wasn't even in the store when Beth and I went. Secondly, I don't understand the logic of the jealousy. I mean, I've walked in the store with Jenn at my side far more frequently than the one time with Beth. Why doesn't she question this? Why didn't she ask me who Jenn was? Clearly this is also a racial issue.

I will admit this though... On some level, the jealousy is cute in a way. Cute in the sense that you care enough to get jealous about someone you're not even dating. However, it is more annoying than it is cute. It's a horrible sign, one which I've seen before, that this relationship would never work out. Why? Because I do have some good female friends. Because I won't stop talking to them because some girl tells me to. Lastly, because, in a sense, they're more important to me than the potential relationship girl. Some of them have stuck around me through good times and bad... through love and heartache...through euphoria and depression. What kind of guarantee do I have that this potential relationship with this hypothetical new girl will last? I have none. I feel like early signs of jealousy are early signs of lack of trust in the person (as well as a direct reflection of the person's own insecurities), and I believe a relationship cannot exist without trust.

Life is funny... and cyclical.

9.13/2008

Instead of relaxing and being a bum on my Saturday, I decided to go down and help out with the Obama campaign here in Georgia. I figured it was a good excuse to get me out of the house and, perhaps, meet some new people. It also doesn't hurt that it gets my mind off of Rock Band 2 that comes out tomorrow.

Should be interesting. I hope.

One of my goals for the next few weeks is to develop a concrete list of things I'm looking for in a woman and a wife. I want to lay out all of the things I want, and all of the things that I believe are necessary. I find all of this important because previously I'd been operating on what I can tolerate, and not necessarily what makes me happy specifically. This becomes problematic when I confront things which I can outwardly tolerate, but slowly eat at me inside.

In this lies the problem.

Trying to think of new ways to update the look or feel of the site. I thought about changing the entire look of the site, but I like this whole dark look (and I love black and blue as colors). Then again, I can always save this configuration and then test out new ones to see how they'll look. 

I'm thinking the change might have to be a stylistic one, but, I kind of like the way it is now. I thought about adding titles to my posts, but since I talk about multiple things, that change seems worthless.

Still thinking on that one.

9.9/2008

Chris had his wedding over the weekend. I was the best man. I wasn't sure how to write the best man's toast, so I googled it (yes, I plagiarized) and came up with about a dozen. From that dozen or so, I mixed and matched things to make it interesting. I came up with this:

"Ladies and gentlemen... It takes a strong and intelligent man to realize his dreams and achieve his goals in life and love. A man that is not afraid to live his life to the fullest and embrace what is truly important. But enough about me...

Chris and Ayana - I stand here to toast you... To celebrate your new union together. You now have become a team. All of your joys will be magnified by two, because you can share them together. All of your trials and tribulations have now been halved because you can solve them together. In marriage, you promise to care about everything: The good things, the bad things, and the mundane. You promise to each other that life will not go unwitnessed, because you will witness it with each other. Chris and Ayana... this is just the beginning. The best is yet to come.

I wish you both peace, health and happiness."

People loved the speech. The whole room burst out into laughter after I said "...But enough about me." Some cried laughing.

The reason I decided on using Google to find my speech instead of creating one was partially out of my own desperation to find one (because I was notified about the Best Man duties during the last week before the wedding), but mostly because I couldn't write a deep speech about Chris and not go into the same depth for his wife. Plus, I really don't do sentimental speeches too well, and I cant fake tears. Plus, I guess I was still able to choose one to match my personality even though I didn't technically create it from scratch. Anyway, I'm glad at the way it turned out. It was truly an ideal scenario.

Still feels weird that he's married though.

I
re-met someone from childhood at the wedding. It's weird how time
changes things: I don't remember getting along with her back when I was
a kid. I think I actually didn't like her. However, upon meeting her
again, I found myself enjoying conversation and catching up. For the
second time in my life, I felt as though I could actually see someone
flirting with me. (I think the first time was with a girl named
Melissa, one of my sister's friends, who I played Rock Band with on my
birthday. She just seemed to overdo it with compliments.) I invited
Morgan to come with Bean Bean and myself to get new clothes from the
mall. While there she helped me pick out clothes and commented on
different styles, whether it was my style, or if she liked how the
clothes looked on me. Afterwards, we came back to my apartment and she
asked for a jacket because she was cold. I gave her my black hoodie and
the three of us played Rock Band until about 3am.

I guess I
figured Morgan out by the way she looked at me, by the way she wanted
me to try on certain clothes "for her," by the way she wanted me to
hangout with her at Jenn's apartment despite the fact that I had to
clean up my apartment in preparation for Beth, and because she asked me
to come visit if I ever stop through Chicago. All of this would sound
normal, had I been friends with her before the wedding, but all of it
seems strange because of the circumstances.

Looks like I'm learning.

Beth came down to visit the day after Chris' wedding and left this afternoon. It was great. She caught me up on all of her adventures in Costa Rica, we got to play Rock Band, see The Dark Knight, watch Planet Earth, and shoot the breeze in the apartment. It was awesome, yet depressing in the sense that I won't see her until Christmas... if even then.

Anyway, there were good times. We talked about relationships, about personal problems, employment and jobs, dating preferences, food, gender roles, race and racism, going green with solar panels, race and dating, animals, high school, and life in general. I think I realize what I love most about her. I think its the fact that there are no dull moments, there are no real awkward times, and that conversation always seems dynamic and changing. To top it all off... all of this happens despite the fact that we only meet up about twice a year: Christmas and sometimes a few days in the beginning of the summer. I feel like in my next relationship I need to find someone like that: Someone that doesn't feel intimidating, or judging. Someone who is more like a friend than a person with a new title.

She's really amazing, and I can't help but admire her.

8.31/2008

Another day, another year. I can't believe that I'm twenty-four years old. I definitely don't feel it. Anything different? Nah, not really. I decided to change my look in terms of clothes, wearing more shirt-and-tie combinations, but that isn't saying too much in terms of change. I'd pretty much been doing that for a while... well, without the tie. The most significant change is that I shaved my mustache. I figured I'd try a new look, I guess... If I end up hating it, well, it'll grow back eventually.

So close to 25. It's kind of sad.

It's both great and disheartening how homogenized blacks are here in Atlanta. Unlike at Duke, there is a distinct black culture here. I respect it because it's clearly and solidly established. However, I also hate it because it's clearly and solidly established. Some people give you a funny look if you happen to diverge from the stereotypical path. For example, if you listen to rock instead of hip hop, most people will think that there is something seriously wrong with you. Heck, if you even say you listen to Jazz, people will look at you strange.

Why do we self-stereotype?

I finally got rid of her number. I don't know why, but something in me wanted to wait until my birthday to get rid of that number. I guess it was some kind of last bastion holding onto the past. Weird though... I felt nothing doing it. I didn't even feel anything seeing Shannon, the person reminds me of her, that same day.

Perhaps I'll throw everything else out in November.

I dont look forward to birthdays the same way that most people do. I don't plan anything. They're usually spent chilling out playing games, hanging out with family, or sleeping. I figure that I spend the rest of my life planning and doing things. I plan to go to medical school. I plan to do work. I plan to be social. I don't want to do anything on my birthday. I'm glad to have heard from Andrew, Torcise and Yoli. Good times indeed. It's the little things that makes it all worth it.

Anyway...How did I spend my birthday?  Playing Rock Band with my sister's friends. It was sweet. The game is already well made, but it truly shines in multiplayer. It's a team-based musical game... pure greatness. Danielle worked the mic, I played the guitar, and other girl, whose name slips my mind as I'm writing this, played the drums. It was great to see people get into the game and get hyped up about performances and dressing their characters up. This whole experience makes me want to find more people to play.

But, Jon, you can play online via Xbox Live. I could play online, sure, but it's not the same. Having people in the same room, being able to talk to them and actually feel like a real band is pretty crazy.

I wonder if I could get Beth into it... Hmmm...